Mommy Guilt and Being a Bad Mother

When I see perfect mothers on the Internet, who fuss about how to correctly clean their baby bottles and sterilize their house, I feel a bit guilty.

As a working mother, I am usually pooped after work. After the stress of being in the office the entire day, the only thing you want to do is to hug your daughter, who has already been bathed, had her diaper changed, and ready for some love. I honestly do not want to bathe her after a hard day’s work. That’s why I’ve hired a good nanny, is to get my baby ready for me when I go home, already full, clean, delicious smelling, and happy.

“You’re a bad mother,” my husband would chide me. “Most mothers would have changed their baby’s diapers a few thousand times after birth. You, on the other hand, has only changed her diaper less than 10x in her lifetime.”

This is actually true. And I have only bathed her a maximum 3x since she was born.

There is no excuse. In society, a mother is expected to unconditionally love her offspring, and sacrificially cater to their every whim. You are to feed them, bathe them, clean them, change them, comfort them, play with them, clean up after them, and be their slave, until the time they closed their eyes to sleep.

No wonder most moms lose sleep until their kid is 3 years old!

The funny thing is that society expects men to help out, but not to sacrifice to the extent that women do for their kids. My husband is already considered a great father just by knowing how to change her diaper.

Apparently, there is a double standard —- if a man does it, he is hailed a hero. If a woman does it, that’s because she’s just doing her job as a mother.

I have always been taught how to work. As a child, my parents freed up my schedule so I have the time to study and excel in my academics. The logic is, if I have high grades in school, I can have a high paying job, and then, I have the money to outsource the most mundane tasks in life.

So that’s who I am — While I did my own laundry on my first year of independence, I have afterwards paid other people to do my washing and cleaning. My thought is, if I did it, it will take me 3 hours to hand wash a week’s worth of laundry. If other people did it, and given that they are good at their jobs, they can do it for 25% of the time, and all it cost me is Php 70.00 per kilo of dirty laundry.

The time that I save to do the laundry buys me the luxury of doing something I really want to do. Instead of cleaning the toilet, I can go out, window shop, and relax. Or if anything, I can always just lie down, close my eyes and sleep.

This is great when you’re single.

But not after having children.

And this is my dilemma — Once you become a mom, you are expected to shed your self, and embrace the most noble role of all, BEING A MOTHER.

When you think of a mother, you think of a woman who is there all the time.

Who is your counselor, ready to comfort and swoop in whenever you fall.

A mother is the cook: Someone who prepares your breakfast, lunch, merienda and dinner.

A mother sacrifices. She gives the biggest slice of the pie to the father, and the next biggest to the kids, leaving few for herself.

Above all, a mother is supposed to look good. Think Stepford wives. Someone who does all the things in the household, and still manages to blowdry her hair and don high heels all for the service of the husband.

I am far from being the perfect mother, and from being a sexy Stepford wife.

I have resorted to tying my hair in a ponytail to get it out of the way. I wear dowdy nursing dresses because it’s easy to comfort my exclusively breastfed baby. I have gotten rid of the high heels and have worn comfortable Crocs so I can walk faster.

Honestly, this is what society expects me to look like:

This is exactly what I mostly look like every day.

My husband is lucky I still wear makeup.

I also work the entire day. I have outsourced the daily basic care of my child to that of our yaya/nanny, and have compensated her properly for it.

I have given the responsibility of taking my daughter to and fro kindergarten to our nanny and driver, who takes her from my arms at 7:30am and gets her to school. The driver drives them, and she waits outside for baby to finish school at 10:30am.

When I wake up, my baby is already in school. I dress, and go to work and I am at work up until around 8:00pm. Since I manage our family business, my baby sometimes join us after her school and she watches Youtube and plays with the Yaya while occasionally coming to me to nurse.

Otherwise, I pretty much ignore my baby throughout the day. The only time we really spend time together is during Sundays, my rest day, where my husband and I play and spend time with our daughter.

Yes, I am considered as a bad mother. 

I am a bad mother because I cannot wholly devote myself to my daughter. I am a bad mother because I have outsourced her basic care to a third party. I am a bad mother because I justify the lack of attention I give her by saying that I do this to work, so that I can help out my husband and provide for our family.

If that is the case, I am proudly a bad mother.

I know I am not perfect, and I know I should be more sacrificial and unconditional towards my child. I know that there are many other better mothers than I am, who really kill themselves fussing over their children and still look good while doing so.

But what can I do?

How can I look good if I don’t have the time. I have not cut my hair for over a year because I have no time to go to a salon.

How can I send my child to school at 7:30am if I am tired? The extra hour of sleep is precious to me, and if my yaya can capably do the job, why do I even need to be there to fuss?

How can I devote the time to teach my child if other things warrant my attention? That’s the reason why we have spent thousands in tuition getting her the best education. I know that education starts at home, but if the school can do it capably, then why can’t I trust them to do their job?

I know I have failings as a mother. I know that other mothers are far more capable than I am. And yet, I still feel comforted by justifying my actions by saying that while I fail in providing for her most basic needs, I can still capably raise a kind above average child by affording her all of life’s comforts.

Because I work, I can afford her the best schools and the best care.

My daughter’s kindergarten is expensive, but worth it. Her nanny is paid 3x the minimum wage. When it comes to academics and attention, she is never in lack.

Because I work, our time together becomes more valuable.

Despite my work, I still spend all my evenings and Sundays with her. My daughter patiently waits until her mommy finishes work, then she takes comfort that it’s already HER time. Then she really becomes sweet and makulit. Because she knows that time together is limited, my daughter does make the most out of it.

Because I work, she is more independent.

I don’t have a lot of time to deal with fussiness. I don’t like to hover, and will just naturally let her do her own thing. I think this is good for her. Since mommy isn’t always there to help her out, my daughter figures things out by herself. This makes her more independent, which is great.

Because I work, my knowledge of the world and of society has expanded. And she knows she is being raised by a smart mom.

I have so much knowledge to impart on her. If she comes to me for advice, my daughter can receive relevant information because I have stayed up to date with the news and trends. Actually, a lot of the mothers come to me for advice. What more my daughter?

Because I work, I help other people.

We employ around 40 people, and help out around 40 families as a result. My daughter will feel proud one day knowing of all the people we’ve helped. And even though we are not rich, she will take great comfort in knowing that we’ve made a difference in the lives of so many people.

Lastly, because I work, I have my own identity. And given that I have a daughter, I hope that she herself will be able to stand in her own two feet when she grows up, and feel proud of what she’s become.

When people see me, they don’t call me my husband’s wife. They don’t call me my daughter’s mother. They call me by my real name. They recognize me by the work that I do. And they know what I represent.

And while I am my husband’s wife, my daughter’s mother, I am fortunate that I do not merely identify myself as such, as if these are my only two identities. Instead I am proud that I have an identity to call my own, and proudly so.

As a second generation working mother — my own mother worked too — I feel proud knowing that I am raising a daughter who will grow up to have her own voice. If mommy can do it —- raise a family and work —- then I can do it too! And nowhere should she feel bad because she’s doing something for herself.

So yes, call me a bad mother if you want. Admittedly, I AM a bad mother on the most traditional sense of the word.

But bad or not, I know I am still on the right track. And what I do will eventually vindicate me and make my daughter proud of me. I know that my daughter wishes that I am home more often, but one day, she will see the light: That her mother did everything for her, for herself and for everyone else.

So instead of being ashamed on why I am not doing more for the child, let’s twist this a bit and see what I see. I have no time to be ashamed of being a working mother. Because of my work, I can raise my family comfortably. I can provide employment to more than 40 people. And I can feel proud for who I have become and what I stand for.

Given that, should I be ashamed for being me?

No, by that definition, I am proud to be a bad mother. And you should be too.

Goodbye mommy guilt!

10 Best Books for Babies (0-3 years old)

My one wish for my baby is that she will have the love of reading. That’s why, I’ve hoarded many books ever since she was born. We now have a growing library of books for her to read.

However, books can get really expensive. The more you buy, the more expensive it gets. I’ve also noticed how we would always go back to the same books over and over. It makes me think that I would have saved a lot of money if I only focused on the few book essentials, instead of buying every kiddie book I encountered.

Here are the top 10 books my baby loves to read. Maybe, if you are under the budget, you can just stick to these following books that you can read and reread over and over.

1. Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? Slide and Find by Eric Carle (USD 11.13)

This is the first book my baby absolutely loved. There’s something about the repetitive structure of words, the use of vivid colors and imagery that has the baby engrossed.

A bonus? The slide function in every page!

My baby had a LOT OF FUN trying to open the slide. Please buy the one with the Slide Function. Do NOT buy the other book options.

Consolation Prize: From Head to Toe by Eric Carle – The book challenges kids to try to do the same actions as the animals.

Overall, a fun book to read as the child imitates the characters in the book.

What Baby Learns: Animals, Colors

2. Where is Baby’s Belly Button Lift-a-Flap Book by Karen Katz (USD 4.19)

The vocabulary is so simple but effective, teaching my child the different parts of the body. The imagery is also so cute as well. My baby squeals whenever she sees photos of different babies. One of the best books for babies.

Note: The other Karen Katz books are not as effective as this one. Save your money and only buy this Karen Katz book.

What Baby Learns: Parts of Body

3. Dear Zoo: A Lift Flap Book by Rod Campbell (USD 4.71)

Have you noticed that many of my baby’s favorite books are lift the flap books? I guess for babies, there is that element of surprise that lies behind every flap. And it brings them great pleasure to anticipate which animal that appears behind every container.

The Story is about a child who writes the zoo asking for a pet. The zoo sends the child a series of animals for pets, which is returned for many different reasons. Finally, the zoo finds the right pet for the child.

What Baby Learns: Animals, Animal Sounds

4. May I Please Have a Cookie? by Jennifer E. Morris (USD 6.17)

It’s important for kids to learn some manners, and there’s no better way to teach manners than by a good story.

This book tells of the story of Alfie, who really LOVES cookies, but cannot find the right way to ask for it. The story ends with Alfie learning that getting what you want may be as simple of having the right manners and asking politely.

The rhymes, the photos, and the story all add to the charm. We absolutely love this book!

What Baby Learns: Using the word “Please”

5. Giraffes Can’t Dance by Giles Andreae (USD 5.06)

The story of Gerald as an awkward giraffe who cannot dance is absolutely endearing. Gerald wants to dance, but can’t. He is mocked by the other animals for his inability to dance. However, he later realizes that the beauty of dance comes more from his own self, and this increase of confidence earns him the praise of the other animals.

There is a rhyme to every page of the story, which makes every page a pleasure to read and re-read. There is also a lesson to be learned, and if done correctly, can increase a child’s self-esteem and will to dance in his/her own drum.

If you can, please buy the large hardbound version. The illustrations are beautiful, and the story sucks you right in.

What Baby Learns: Animals, the Different Dances, and the Importance of Dancing in one’s own Beat

6. How Do Dinosaurs Collection by Jane Yolen and Mark Teague

We LOVE this book! There’s something about the way Jane Yolen and Mark Teague construct the story that teaches kids in a fun way on how to eat, how to see the doctor, and how to say goodnight. My daughter loves how everything rhymes and memorizes every page.

The best books in the collection are as follows:

• How do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight?

• How do Dinosaurs Eat their Food?
• How do Dinosaurs Get Well Soon?

The rest of the collection are meh. I have the How do Dinosaurs Learn Colours and Numbers? and How Do Dinosaurs Play with Their Friends?, but the rest of the books are no competition to the first three I mentioned. Save your money and just buy the three best books.

What Baby Learns: Proper Manners and How to Do the Right Thing

7. Potty by Leslie Patricelli (USD 4.00)

A cute little board book, the story introduces the concept of a potty in such a safe and fun manner. It’s about a child who wants to go potty but is afraid to. However, after trying to potty and finding success, everyone celebrates.

I’ve bought the other books by Leslie Patricelli but nothing is better than this book. Stick to the best sellers, mommy!

What Baby Learns: Potty is our friend.

8. Press Here and Mix it Up by Herve Tullet

Not for baby but for a toddler, these two interactive board books are fun to read with baby.

For Press Here, it teaches baby to follow simple instructions, and the effect lie on the pages afterwards.

Mix it Up teaches about colors, and how when they are combined, results on wonderful surprises.

What Baby Learns: Simple Instructions, Directions (Left, Right, Straight), Colors, Color Combinations

9. My Big Book of Beginning Books About Me by Dr. Seuss

Out of all the available collections (which I mostly bought), this is probably the best. The collection of book features simple stories that rhyme and are just super fun to read. The book include the following stories so as you can see, if you are traveling and you need only one book to bring, this book is it:

What Baby Learns: Parts of the Body

10. The Berensteins’ B Book by Stan Berenstain

My baby loves to read along. The story repeats words per page in such that it incites mastery. I love it when baby can anticipate what’s going to be on the next page. If you want your baby to increase his/her vocabulary, this is a great book to start.

What Baby Learns: Words that starts with the Letter B

Do you have another books to add? Please let me know! I would love to see if they fit my baby and I. Please comment below.

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BOOKS I FEEL ARE OVERRATED

No, I didn’t forget about these.

I actually have these, but they aren’t really that much fun to read. Maybe because the words don’t rhyme or the story drags, but I have no clue why these books are super popular. They honestly don’t do it for myself and baby.

I call them the Overrated Books: Nice to have but skip if you don’t have the budget. Please note that this is just for my personal reference, so I’m sorry if you love them and I don’t.

• The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle – It’s great but I don’t really get the story of a caterpillar who wakes up and eats a lot of things everyday. A good story, but not best-seller quality.

 

• Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown – Unimpressive illustration, dragging story. Yawn.

• Eating the Alphabet by Lois Ehlert

• Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sedak – I don’t like this book because it features a naughty, misbehaved child who becomes the King of the Wild Things. However, the story is brought to an abrupt conclusion after he misses his mom and returns home.

• Harold and the Purple Crayon – What a dragging book. Super long and blah. I couldn’t wait to get it done.

• Corduroy by Don Freeman – Great story about a lost bear in the shopping mall. But oh so dragging. Skip!

I am Pregnant… Again!

I am pregnant again!

A lot of thoughts went into my head:

I am still breastfeeding. How will my daughter nursing impact my baby especially since she’s very malikot.

Will it be a boy or a girl? A girl is cute, but a boy will be nice. At least, there’s someone to carry the family line.

I really hope he/she is a normal, healthy baby… what am I to do if he/she is not? I really hope that he/she is normal and healthy. No defects whatsoever.

How can I love both equally? One is already very tiring, but another one? How can you love another one especially since you’ve maxed out your love for the older child?

We have a family trip planned for Europe this November. How many months before I am still allowed to travel? Can I still make this trip?

How will it impact my work? I’d have to take another 30 days… another round of pregnancy feels and childbirth. Oh my, it’s going to be another wild ride…

I am now easily tired and short of breath. Is it because of the baby or just because I am getting lazier now that I am older.

Wow, a second child…!

How will a second child work?

I hope it still doesn’t hurt to give birth the second time around. God has protected me with the first, I pray and hope He protects me with the second.

Every baby is God’s miracle. What will I name it? How can we handle a second child?

I don’t even know if I am a good enough mother for my first child. And now, I will have a second? Wow, just wow.

He/she will be born on February 8, 2019. I hope I can give birth before February 5 so as he/she will still be part of Year of the Rat, and not Year of the Pig.

We call it Little Spud. Welcome Little Spud to the family!

You guys are the first to know. Shhhh… we hope to keep this a secret until after the first trimester when the baby is more safe. 1.5 more months to go!

Let’s pray for a safe pregnancy, wohoo!

Why We Brought our Toddler to the Dentist

This month, our 2 year old daughter cleaned her teeth at our neighboring dentist.

This is the third time she’s visited the dentist for cleaning. Luckily, she was docile and kept still for most of the cleaning.

“Why would you bring her to the dentist?” my father-in-law scoffed. “All her baby teeth will eventually fall off!”

I know dental hygiene for babies may sound silly but here are four good reasons why I bring my daughter to the dentist.

1. This allows baby to get comfortable with the dentist.

Imagine never bringing your child to the dentist till he’s 5. He’s never sat on the dentist chair and some stranger has to tinker with his teeth. At certain times, it hurts…. a lot.

The child will scream bloody murder!

Who could blame the child?

Starting a child early makes him/her more comfortable and lets him/her see the dentist as the friend than a bringer of pain.

2. Prevention is better than the cure: General cleaning is better than complex dental work due to bad dental hygiene

It is less expensive and less painful to clean your teeth. Personally, I didn’t really have good dental hygiene as a child. So going to the dentist has always been a traumatic experience for me.

Everytime I go, it’s only because I have cavities or need to have my teeth pulled. Visits are expensive and scary since every time I go, more complex dental work need to be done.

I wouldn’t have such traumatic experience if I went more often. The dentist can work on my teeth before it gets worse.

3. Bad teeth = ugly child

I don’t want my child to get laughed at. But children will be laughed at if they have bad teeth.

I don’t want mu child to suffer from low self esteem. If other kids laugh at my daughter because of her bad teeth, this will make her think that she’s ugly or deficient even though she’s not.

That’s what happens when you let your baby teeth go, eventually, it is what the other kids remember and they will still remember that even when your baby teeth get replaced.

We don’t really wish our child to be ugly, so off the the dentist she goes.

4. I want her to feel that dental hygiene is important.

Habits start today. If we don’t start now, when will we start?

How about you? When will you send your kids to the dentist? Comments appreciated!

Questions to ask during yaya interview

I got a new yaya 2 days after the old yaya left.

I caught old yaya on Saturday, asked her to leave on Sunday, and interviewed and hired a new yaya on Tuesday. April 9 was a holiday so maybe that day doesn’t count. Still, it doesn’t hide the fact that I was blessed to find a new yaya quickly when many other mothers were still looking for one.

The last time I looked for a yaya, it took me half a day to find out. This time it took 2 days. I have been very blessed and lucky in finding maids so far.

As to why I can get a yaya so fast while others are still waiting?

1. I have a results oriented mindset.

If I need a yaya, I really NEED a yaya. I will not hee and haw about it anymore.

I will interview every candidate that comes my way regardless on who refers. I will go online and get my applicants on every Wanted Kasambahay facebook page.

My mother in law once told me, “Bonita, find a yaya who will not give me any problems. I don’t want a yaya who is mapili or maarte.”

She still has no yaya up until now.

2. I will hire on the spot.

After I set the interviews, I will talk to the yayas personally. I will tell them about the job and my rules. If they seem maarte or hesitant, I don’t hire them. But if they are okay with my policies, I hire on the spot.

No “Let me talk it other with my husband.”

If she is not okay, I pass. If she is okay, she starts that same day. That’s why recruiters love us. No wasting time.

3. I don’t scrimp on fees.

I paid more than php10,000 of agency fee from my last hire. I didn’t blink and complain that it was expensive. I paid for it after hiring yaya.

I didn’t pay minimum rates. I paid above minimum rates. The amount of money I pay yaya to take care of my child so I can work makes her worth her fee. So I don’t really have a lack of good options.

4. I’m actually a reasonable boss.

So when I lose a yaya, I don’t have a shortage of people to refer. They know that they won’t be embarrassed in linking us up. The last yaya stayed for a good 1.5 years and was able to get her eldest employed and got her two daughters to start schooling again. Not bad for someone who was kicked out of her house when she came in.

5. I’m open to agencies and recruiters.

They are my partners in finding a yaya. They help me find a yaya. I refer my friends to them when my friends are in need. So when I come a calling, they warmly welcome me.

I have compiled a list of questions to ask applicants this time around. I got my yaya on the first interview. Here are the questions I asked yaya during the interview. Hope it helps!

Questions in Tagalog because it’s catered for the yaya. These are some of the questions I used to interview:

SELF

• Love life and anak? Sino ang magaalaga?

• Anong kurso ang pinasok mo?

FRIENDS

• Inimbita ka ng kapwa mong yaya na kumain sa labas habang nasa school ang alaga, ano ang gagawin mo?

FAMILY AND BELIEFS

• Close sa tatay at nanay? Ano ang trabaho nila?

• Siblings? Ano ang trabaho nila?

• Anong pinaka importante na tinuro sa iyo ng magulang mo?

• Nagsisimba ka ba? Saan?

HOBBIES

• What do you like to read?

• Last book you read?

• Anong gagawin mo sa gabi pagkatapos ng trabaho?

PREVIOUS WORK

• Bakit ka umalis sa dati mong amo?

• What food she can prepare for my baby to eat?

Pag gising ang alaga, ano ang ginagawa with the kids?

• Alaga dati? How did they react nang paalis ka?

• Anong naturuan mo sa bata?

*Read one page article*

• Anong pinaka mahirap na experience mo sa buhay?

• Pinagsabihan ka ni lola? Papano na?

• May pinagawa sa iyo na hindi sa job description yon? Ano yon?

• Cellphone use: When pwede mag cellphone?

• Ok lang ba may cctv sa kwarto ng bata para masdan din sa gabi?

• Ok lang ba sa gabi mag mall?

• Pag may party at kasama ang bata, ok lang ba kasama ka din?

• May pagkain ka bang hindi kinakain?

• Anong trabaho ang hindi mo masyadong gawin? Laundry and ibon?

• Pinaka malaking halaga nakita mo or nahawakan mo?

• May kasama kang nagnakaw, ano ang gagawin mo? Paano mo siya isusumbong?

SAVINGS & FINANCIAL MINDSET

• Sapat na ba ang sahod na inaalok namin sa iyo? Kaya mo bang ibudget yan?

• Naka pagvale advance or utang ka? Ok lang sa iyo na hindi pwede dito?

• Magkano ang pinaka malaki mong nabili recently? Magkano po yon?

• Sahod mo: saan mo gagastusin?

DAYS OFF

• 2 days off monthly? If ever how you want to schedule?

• We cannot accumulate day off ok lang ba?

• Pag day off, saan ka pupunta? Pamilya, kaibigan?

• Give occasion na na late bumalik sa dayoff? Ano ang nangyari? Ano ang ginawa mo?

Bye Bye Yaya!

I decided to let go of yaya yesterday after catching her with her MMDA boyfriend last April 7.

On April 7, yaya asked for permission to go downstairs to buy snacks from MiniStop. This is not unusual for her so we allowed it. She went down at 12:30am.

At 1:00am, I was puzzled on why she hasn’t returned. I had a package in the lobby that I asked the guard to give to her so I found it weird that the package was not brought up yet. When I called the guard, he said she has yet to return.

Alarm bells were ringing then. What happened to her?

I went downstairs to look for her. The lobby guards pointed me to the direction she went to. Since I live in a business district, I looked for her at the nearby convenience store. She wasn’t anywhere!

I asked at the 7-Eleven staff close to our place if he saw yaya. He pointed me to the closed section of 7-Eleven on the second floor. I found yaya’s boyfriend sitting, while yaya hiding on the corner behind the chairs and tables.

Yaya and I went home.

When I asked her why she lied about going to Ministop and instead was meeting up with her boyfriend, she said, “It’s only this one time.”

It Actually Wasn’t the First Time

It was her second.

Last February, our yaya also sneaked out from our condo in the guise of going to MiniStop to buy load. On her way out, she told her BFF guard that in case we looked for her, to tell us that she is back in her room.

She was gone for 2.5 hours.

Another guard told us that he saw her riding her boyfriend’s bike close to our home. She insisted that she was only at 7-Eleven hanging out.

At that time, she was apologetic that she didn’t inform us properly where she went. “I promise I didn’t go out in a motorcycle,” she said. “While it was true that I was out for so long, I was only at 7-Eleven relaxing and thinking about my problems.”

Yes, the same 7-Eleven where I spotted her with her boyfriend the other day.

That’s not the only problem — when faced with the incident report, initially yaya denied it. She said that she wasn’t gone for that long. She was only gone for a short time, and she was reported falsely by the guard who had a crush on her.

However, after I told her that there was CCTV cameras recording, and if indeed the guard was lying, then we would fire him, that she recanted and reluctantly admitted that she was maybe gone for as long as reported.

So this was the second time she lied on top of the many white lies she made over the last few months. And this was our yaya, the woman we trust with our daughter. Who cannot help but sneak behind our back and constantly lie about her romance.

What’s worse, the man she is seeing doesn’t seem to dissuade her. I saw him the other night with her in uniform. He was on duty and he was on a date.

A man who doesn’t value his work is not a good influence. Who knows? He may be dating yaya to get to our daughter!

So we decided to let Yaya go.

It was a conversation I hated to make, but had to. And my heart was sad as I told her that I could not tolerate her many repeated lies, as my family do not tolerate liars in our household. And while she is efficient to her work, I do not like the fact that she lies without guilt, remorse or consideration.

If you were caught once, stop.

Our yaya had the gall to get caught, then do it again another time.

“This won’t be her last time,” my uncle warned. “This is already her sickness. She cannot stop lying.”

It doesn’t make it easier. This was someone we shared our home with for 1.5 years. Someone who saw us in our best and worst. Someone who have seen our daughter grow.

After our conversation, she packed all her clothes. There were 6 bags in all. How different was it when she first started when she didn’t even have shoes to wear, and her children were getting kicked out from their home because of rent non-payment.

I gave her what I could — some makeup, a small sack of rice, books for her daughter who recently celebrated her birthday.

“I will call a taxi because I have a lot of things,” she said.

I gave her Php 500 for the taxi, not because I felt guilty, but rather, a consideration for all the stuff she had to bring with her.

As she left, she hugged and kissed my daughter. “Be good and listen to your mother,” she said.

She then went out to call a taxi. I asked her if she wanted to join us for dinner but she declined. “I don’t want to get home late,” she said.

My daughter and I ate dinner then worked at the office.

Almost 3 hours later, we came back.

We saw her stuff still in our condominium lobby, and her coming back. Apparently, instead of calling a taxi, she went to the mall and had a date with her boyfriend. When the mall closed, she came back, towing her boyfriend who will take her someplace else.

I feel a bit vindicated for booting her out. Up to the very last end, she still lied. She didn’t call a taxi. She went out for a date with her boyfriend. I think I feel more sad about her departure than her.

The next day, I found out that the boyfriend was apparently married with a pregnant wife.

This was after she chided our driver for going after a woman despite having a wife who was pregnant last year. “I would never do what she did,” she said about the mistress. “May asawa pa, pinatulan pa!” (Even with a wife, she would still go for him).

Lies, lies and even more lies.

So yes, maybe it’s time for her to go. The Lord truly has been watching over us. I thank my lucky stars I caught her and her boyfriend, and while it’s burdensome to take care of our child, well… that’s our role anyway as parents.

Hope you have a good week ahead!

Upbringing Makes a Difference

I talked about the Big Bad Wolf Booksale the other day. We were all having a ball scouring through rows and rows of books. My 2 year old daughter kept on putting books to the pushcart while my poor mother and her yaya was putting them back.

I had a small realisation: While we were so excited in finding good books for my daughter, her yaya was bored. Real bored.

This was so different during the Toy Sale when she was also scouring through the different offerings in the hopes of buying her 7 year old daughter the latest Barbie or teddy bear at discounted prizes. During the Toy Sale, she was even more excited than us, and even borrowed money just to do her purchase.

I realized how our priorities are different. Yaya was so gungho in buying her daughter the latest toys and gadgets. I pour the same amount of energies to buying books for my daughter.

Here is her bookcase months ago. She has a lot mote books now. Daughter is super spoiled when it comes to books.

I think it’s these little details that make big differences in a child’s brain. While one cannot control a child’s intelligence or personality too much (we can blame genetics for that), we can however guide our child to what we think is the right direction.

For me, it’s teaching my toddler a love of learning and reading. It’s to appreciate storytelling, expand her imagination, and for her to know that when it comes to books, her Mommy’s purse is open.

My daughter can identify letters from the age of 2. She can count from one to 20. Her vocabulary has expanded. I have her school to thank for that.

To be honest, I realised yaya doesn’t read. During her spare time, she listens to music, check Facebook or call her relatives. Consequently her daughter most likely doesn’t like to read too… not if her toys and gadgets are available.

I want my children to read. I want them to love the written world. I want them to go bonkers on booksales over toy fairs. I want them to treasure studying. That’s why I invest in books. In early learning. This is the difference upbringing makes.

These are the little things that make me happy. It also made me realize that parents must do our part to ensure our kids love to learn, and the way we do it is to expose them as much as possible to books and learning at a young age, so that they will welcome these tools with love as they grow up.

So how about you? Will you invest in a new ipad for your kids? Or books? Hope it’s the latter, because a love for the written word is one of the best things we can teach our child.

Have a good week everyone!

The Tale of Two Pregnancies

I talked about our driver who was na-kupit by the girlfriend. Despite having relationship problems with his needy and controlling girlfriend, our driver managed to get her pregnant, of which I believe is NOT an accident.

*The things women do to cling on a relationship, mutter mutter…*

He is obviously not too happy with what happened, and is just trying to muster a smile and look brave despite the additional bundle of challenge that will come his way. He already has a few kids with his first wife whom he is supporting. Trust me, he does not really look forward to having another child with a woman whom he wanted to dump last week.

Place the focus now to my brother, who happily announced that his wife of 10 months is now pregnant.

My mother called me yesterday saying that she was already pregnant. They asked me for OB recommendations which I sent via Messenger.

Guess what?

As soon as I sent the information, they immediately called the doctor and sped to her clinic. They were THAT excited.

Apparently, sister in law was already 5 weeks pregnant. Not even a trimester yet, but the couple was very excited and happy with the news that a new bundle of joy was coming. It’s like how these other dads react to the news — they were OVER THE MOON.

Compare the two pregnancy reveals which came a few days with each other, there was the reluctant new dad (our driver) and the over the moon soon-to-be father (my brother). How can one pregnancy be reacted so differently?

I think it’s worthwhile to consider that there is actually a good and a bad time to be pregnant. It is also important to note that when a baby comes at the right time, there is so much joy all around. We must all strive to plan for babies, and do it at the right time.

When is the right time to have a baby?

The right time to have a baby is when both of you are in a good place relationship-wise.

The right time to have a baby is when both of you are financially stable, and can afford all the expensive things needed for a baby (e.g., monthly check-ups, vaccination, diapers, milk are just some of the basics).

The right time to have a baby is when you both decided BEFOREHAND that you wanted one. A baby is always great, but it should enhance your relationship, not be the bandaid to your problems.

The right time to have a baby is when you have the capacity and person to raise it. Most people ask their in-laws to help. Some struggle just finding someone they can entrust the baby to. What’s the point of having a baby if there is no capable caregiver around?

The right time to have a baby is when it will come into the world welcomed, loved, and cared for.

Otherwise, it’s NOT a good time to have a baby.

How about you? What do you think is the right time to have a baby?

“Nakupit”

I asked my husband the English translation of the Filipino word, “Kupit.”

“There’s actually no accurate English translation,” he said. “But it’s like getting pregnant out of wedlock.”

That’s actually not a good translation. For me, nakupit means to be caught in a net. To be deceived and as a result, was given no choice.

 

This is what happens to so many men in particular.

They are casually dating a woman, having sex with them like rabbits. They don’t take this woman seriously, but still continue to see them because the milk is free.

I have a lot of friends like that.

When I ask him, “How are you and (girlfriend’s name)?” they will answer, “Oh, we are trudging along. We’re just having a good time.”

When I implore him for more information, he would say, “I’m just enjoying life at the moment. I don’t want anything serious… and she knows that.”

Half a year later…..

SHE’S PREGNANT!!!!!!!

Oh my gosh.

This is the time we say, “Nakupit ang lalake.” 

The woman tells the man that she is pregnant. At first, there is disbelief on how the heck she managed to get pregnant when they have been so careful in using protection.

Here’s some news for you, There’s no way it was an accidental pregnancy.

If the girl got pregnant, she knew she was going to get pregnant soon enough, and she did so in the hopes that makupit yung guy.

Women do this a lot. In Taiwan, women used to poke holes in condoms in the hopes of getting “accidentally” pregnant because she wants her playboy boyfriend to settle down with her. While women are still interchangeable when they are single, it’s hard to replace them when they are the mother of your child.

My friend M did that. She was dating a Filipino-Chinese man R and they have had an on-off relationship for months. M is a former model/escort while R was a man of means.

During their breakups and makeups, R cannot stop having sex with M. Stupidly, he believed that she was using protection and didn’t want to get pregnant. That was a laugh.

A few months of constant sex got M pregnant.

R was forced to house her. He bought her a DMCI condominium and had to take care of her while she was pregnant with his child. He still wanted to be free and date around, but technically he is stuck since he got his on-off girlfriend pregnant.

She gave birth last December and R is miserable.

He knows he is stuck but he doesn’t know what to do. In other words, “nakupit siya,” stuck with a woman who was supposed to just be a casual fling, but turned out to be a snake whom he cannot easily get rid of.

My mother’s driver E got his girlfriend pregnant. Ironically, his girlfriend also works in my brother’s firm.

Their relationship has come to the point that his girlfriend was so needy and controlling that E was feeling shackled. He wanted out from the relationship, and would feel irritated whenever he sees her calling.

Then she got pregnant.

Here you go again.

Now, he’s stuck with her.

He can’t dump her while she’s carrying his child without looking like an ass. However, the relationship isn’t really working out and they’re fighting everyday, and yet, they’re now stuck to each other for life because of their child.

Big sigh.

The woman is the b*tch and isn’t a great partner. However he’s stuck now with her because he foolishly believed she won’t get pregnant by choice.

WRONG!

Sigh — so many men get caught with this mistake. And yet, they keep on making the same mistake over and over again. He deludes himself into thinking that if the relationship isn’t working, the woman would rather not get pregnant. He fools himself into thinking that she is smart enough to not want kids when the relationship in trouble.

Quite the opposite: When the woman feels that the relationship is ending, she gets pregnant to ensure its continuity. To keep a man, or at least increase the chance of keeping a man, get pregnant.

Which is why, there are so many pregnancies in the Philippines.

How about you? Do you agree with the concept of kupit? How do you translate kupit to English?

Why we still don’t have our second kid?

Let me approach the elephant in the room — Bakit walang kasunod ang anak ko? 

In English, it means, “How come we have yet to have our second child?”

Our daughter is already 2 years old. We just recently celebrated her second birthday. How come I am not pregnant with the next one?

Here are the real and practical reasons:

1. We have a lot less sexy time since our daughter was born.

My daughter and I co-sleep since she was born. She is also exclusively breastfed. My daughter follows our schedule and sleeps late.

That’s why, we have less sexy time than when before daughter was born.

Before she was born, we could still schedule our time together. Now, we cannot anymore. We have to wait till she is asleep, and she sleeps very late.

That’s why, there’s no baby #2.

2. We have gotten older, a lot busier with work, and our body is not as good as it used to.

Blame husband on being lower energy. We work hard during the day and apart from daughter sleeping late, he is more tired during the night.

“My body is not like what it’s used to,” he admitted. “Before, I could party the entire evening and still be awake the next day. Now, that’s no longer the case.”

There are times when I want to do it too, but I’m just so sleepy that I would doze off before our show is finished. So, we would just think, “There’s always another day, another time…”

That’s why, there’s no baby #2.

3. My baby might hurt my other baby.

My baby is breastfed and actively moves around. Just last night, she stepped on my tummy because she keeps on frolicking around the bed.

It hurts.

Wah, imagine what will happen if I was pregnant with another child? I would suffer a miscarriage if that happened

4. We are already happy with our child. The pressure of having a second child is a lot less than not having a child yet. 

Our baby brings so much joy that sometimes, it’s easier to forget that we need to make another. There is always the fear that maybe, the second child may not be as good as the first.

We do not want to not favor the second child just because she is a lesser performer than the first. No matter what you say, a parent will always favor one child over the other.

My husband is adamant, “Pea is my favorite,” he said. “Nobody is better than her.”

I personally have to favor our only child. So I do not honestly know how to deal with the second. It has always been my prayer that we will be blessed with a wonderful second child. But we also know that it depends on luck, and God’s blessing and wisdom. Sometimes, it’s scary to risk because you don’t really know what you’re going to get.

5. The real reason: God has yet to bless us with another.

Despite the lower frequency of sexy time, we are not using protection and we do still hope that I can get pregnant again. Anyway, I am nearing my 40s, and it’s better to have a second child sooner than later, IF we are still having one.

Alas, we have yet to be blessed with another one.

I was so disappointed the last time I had my period.

Oh so disappointed.

I didn’t think I would be THAT disappointed but I was.

So it’s not that we aren’t hoping. We would welcome another addition to the family, but there is yet another one. I am just not pregnant yet.

And I don’t know when I will get pregnant again despite our best hopes.

I know that husband and I should do more to ensure my next pregnancy but we are too tired and busy to make one. We are lucky when we find time to do so, and can only hope that I can conceive despite the lower frequency.

Anyway, these things are best left to God.

And that’s why we still do not have Baby# 2.