When Relatives Make Bad Decisions

My biggest weakness is my pride.

I believe that before I make an important decision, I have already give that idea a great bit of thought. Not only do I make a decision based on the facts at hand, but I also look at other factors that may affect my decision, and think about Plan B, C, and D.

In short, I love seeing how a situation looks like, and then making plans accordingly. I pride myself into making some very good decisions in life.

As I’ve said, my biggest weakness is pride.

Hence, it bothers me when people around me want to make seemingly bad decisions.

I scratch my head and wonder why they cannot see the same problems that I see, and still choose to continue their course of action, even though it leads to the edge of the cliff.

I cannot comprehend how they can still make stupid decisions, despite knowing that they’re running to their death.

Why can they not see what I see?

Why do they keep on making the same darn mistakes over and over?

One of my relatives is one of these people.

He had been unemployed for years, working on projects here and there.

One year, he managed to persuade a friend to invest in a few million pesos to start a business with him. Technically, my relative will do all the legwork, get paid a generous salary, and his partner will give him the money. This is in assumption that my relative will build a business that would make both of them money.

My relative processed the business, built a business, hired a handful of staff, and had zero customers.

“It’s Partner’s fault,” my relative scoffed. “He didn’t give me even more money to make sure the business succeeds. So we built an office, but couldn’t get customers because he didn’t send more money.”

Who was at fault, we won’t really know. We can only hear the side of my relatives where he came off smelling like a rose.

But this isn’t the first partner who had lost money after working with him. Actually, he has had quite a list of ex-partners, and they only had disappointing stories to tell after working with my relative.

“But I am built as an entrepreneur,” my relative said. “It is my calling. It just isn’t the right idea.”

Given that he has invested no money of his own, that statement is unfair. The partner loses money, while my relative has profited off his partner having been paid a generous salary. At the end of the day, I feel bad for his partners who seem to lose money whenever they invest on something my relative has pitched to.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I remember that business idea vividly. There were many holes to that idea.

They wanted to build a medical health business even though one was a travel agent, and the other was a teacher. None of them were doctors.

They were both foreigners and could not speak Mandarin. Operations would require them to speak in the local language.

They had no network of clients, only the hopes of it. They only traveled in the expat circles and knew none of the rich Chinese they hoped to make money from.

They wanted to build the office at an expensive part of town. But it was in the upper floor where there was minimal foot traffic.

I have expressed my doubts to him when he visited us. While there was a 60 page business plan, holes on this plan made it seem clear that it was bound to fail.

And yet, everyone hoped that this idea would succeed.

After all, every 6 months, he would come up with a brand new idea that would hopefully make him a millionaire.

“Yes Bonita,” he replied. “I heard you, but you don’t really know what you’re doing because you’re not in the situation.”

Great, I am chided on for being ignorant, for not knowing the entire facts. And for being unsupportive.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Months later, as the business crashed and burned, my relative came back in his defense asking, “Why didn’t anyone stop me?”

O M G.

Seriously?

Nobody stopped you?

What do you mean nobody stopped you?

I made my concerns vocal, told you of the holes in your wonderful plan to which you have no answers, and you just not listened, nodded your head and still went your own way.

I tried to ask you relevant questions related to his business, hoping he would use it as feedback on how to make his business better, and after ignoring my concerns, found that such concerns were really valid and were the cause of his failed business.

And I didn’t stop you?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Now, he is in his nth wonderful idea.

After years of employment, he finally took on the job as an English teaching in China.

After finally being employed teaching English in China and earning a generous wage, the relative declared that it was not his hope to teach English as this was the type of job white people are embarrassed to have.

“I am not happy being an English teacher,” he said. “I would like to be an entrepreneur as this is my calling.”

So his plan was to sell the home that’s under his wife’s name, and move the entire family to the United Kingdom, because hey, he likes the UK.

There was a serious lack of thought in such major life decision change:

1. He is not a UK taxpayer or citizen. They have a 4 year old daughter: Will her education be free or cheap?
2. He is already in his mid-40s and does not have any relevant corporate experience. He doesn’t want to do menial jobs, and want a job that pays well so he can support his family of 3. However, he doesn’t have any technical skill, and is currently an English teacher in China despite not having any educational degree.
3. His family will start from scratch. Wife will have to start looking for a job after getting rid of a good gig from China. He cannot teach English in the UK. His Chinese is bad, so he cannot teach Chinese in Britain.
4. Where will they live? How can they afford their home and their cost of living? How can they have income?

But the general plan is — Sell the home that was gifted to his wife by her parents in China, and use that money to fund their move to the UK and hopefully find a source of income there.

“I can start selling ginger candy from the Philippines in Amazon UK,” he said.

As if it was that simple.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It takes a lot of effort not to challenge a relative when they make seemingly stupid decisions that affect other people.

On one point, as a man, I understand his need to be secure in his ability to provide for his family after many years of hopping from one job to the other. I am sure it is emasculating for him to have his wife be the breadwinner for many years.

On the other hand, I do not understand why he can’t just accept whatever job he is qualified for, and work up from where he is.

Teaching is NOT an embarrassment when it puts food on your table.

Why hope to be like Jeff Bezos if you can’t even hold a job?

“Bonita, STOP CHALLENGING ME,” he said. “I know what I am doing. It seems that every time I talk to you, it’s a challenge.”

I shut up after that.

I keep quiet despite hearing his dreams of grandeur and his wanting to be British even though he isn’t.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

At the end of the day, getting sucked in my relatives vortex is just more headache for me. To be honest, his life decisions do not affect me or my family. I am not expected to fund him, or to carry any of his work, or to support his family when they fail.

And if he is driving a train with a wreck that’s waiting to happen, it should NOT involve me at all.

He wants neither my help, opinion or support.

So I have to accept in my heart to just let this matter go. Let him make the wrong decisions in his life and suffer the consequences. Let his family suffer from his foolishness.

It is their life, not mine.

Once I can accept this, I remove myself from his mess, and not worry about him at all. Why worry when you can’t do anything? Why bother even helping if it’s not welcome? It just isn’t healthy at all.

Hence, this is what I will do.

I will let sleeping dogs lie, pray for him and his family, and hope for the best.

Hopefully, his best laid plans will make him fulfill his dreams.

Or it won’t.

Regardless, I take no credit or delight with the results. All I can do is to stay still, listen and watch the show.

Have a good week everyone!

 

 

 

Yaya Chronicles: The Search for a Good Yaya Continues

All of you know that I have been looking for a yaya (stay-in babysitter) ever since my old yaya didn’t come home for the holidays last December. 

While the experience has been very frustrating — we treated her like family, and she didn’t even have the decency to inform us she won’t be returning after we paid for her holiday — I decided to look at at the positive side of it, and rolled up my sleeves to find my daughter another yaya.

Since my yaya left last December, yayas were in short supply as many were also on extended holidays. Agencies couldn’t supply us with any, leaving us with no choice but to find one on our own. Here was my experience in looking for a yaya online.

The yaya I found during the first round only lasted 6 days.

On her sixth day, she texted me saying that her husband was in the hospital and she had to visit him as it might be an emergency. When she started, I made it clear that her first rest day would be after a month, so this request was already out of the ordinary.

As I have many experiences with the help, I knew this was a white lie and decided to simply let her go to her husband, with paid salary, packed bags and all. Here was my experience in handling this yaya.

My point is, despite my best efforts, it was really hard to find a reliable yaya in the Philippines.

Many yayas were malabong kausap: this meant that their words mean nothing. They will promise you the moon and the stars and will miserably fail.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The next yaya I found online was Tessie, 52 years old, who worked as a housemaid, nanny and caregiver abroad.

I interviewed her on January 4, and we agreed for her to start n January 8.

On January 8 morning, here was her text to me:

Long story short, she was backing out.

This was very annoying because it was done in the last minute. I had waited 4 days for a yaya who didn’t plan on showing up.

The next one I got was interviewed on January 14 (Tuesday). We confirmed to start on January 16 (Thursday) so that she can pack up and spend time with her kids.

On January 15, she asked me if she could start on January 21 (Monday) instead since she needed to get her daughter’s report card in school that Saturday.

I replied to her in Tagalog, “Can’t your husband get the report card? Because we already agreed that you will start on Thursday. It’s difficult if you keep on changing your mind.”

She told me that it was always her husband who gets it but her daughter has requested that she do it this time around. However, given that she had word of honor, she will still arrive as agreed on Thursday.

At 9:57am on Thursday, she sent me the following text complete with photos:

There we go — she can’t make it on Thursday because her son had a fever. If so, she will just start on Monday, which was her original revised request.

This was my answer, “Why are you looking for a job if your family affairs are still not in order? During my interview, you told me that your mother-in-law and husband are the ones who take care of your children so that you can work. Now, you are telling me that you have to be there for your son because your husband is MIA.”

I understand that she needed to work and she cannot leave them when they are sick. But the problem is not the child. I was okay with her taking care of the child if the children was said to be her priority during the interview. However, she already told me her children would not be a problem, even if they are.

The problem is that she had no word of honor. And I do not like to deal with people who were malabong kausap.

So I told her to take care of her kids and to just manage her household instead.

Ironically, on Monday, she texted me again saying she wanted to work for me.

No sirree…!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

After receiving disappointing news, I renewed my search for another yaya. This time, I found someone on Facebook once again.

Zeny was 50 year old, from Mindoro, and was an all around yaya. She served in a family of Manila for 4.5 years.

I talked to her on Thursday, January 15, the same time that Mitch backed out. And we agreed that she start on Sunday, January 20, evening.

Her daughter would buy her ticket from Mindoro to Manila, and she is to go direct to our condo.

We waited with abated breath. After frequent disappointments over Arlene, Tessie and Mitch, we had low expectations. If Zeny did not show up, we would not be too surprised anymore.

Surprisingly, she showed up at 6:30 am on Sunday, just as agreed.

So far, so good. It’s been at least a day, and she’s still here.

She is a bit quiet, but caring and seems serious about the job. I hope she’s already the One for us.

And if not, the search continues — Just this January, my daughter has had 3 yayas in quick succession. It is so depressing that it’s now amusing.

At the end of the day, if we need a yaya, we need a yaya. I will go through as many yayas as I can so that I can find someone to take care of my daughter.

Let’s hope that this is already the one we are looking for. 🙂

Additional: 10 Tips in Looking for a Yaya Online

 

 

When your 3 Year Old gets Stubborn

My daughter refuses to finish her lunch because she wants to open up her new gift, a Cinderella castle made of Lego.

So she’s at the floor moping, whining and refusing to eat her lunch.

It’s dirty on the floor, but she doesn’t care. She wants to play Lego with her daddy, and SHE MUST BE FOLLOWED.

Mind you, she just turned 3 last December.

This is going to be fun.

So, we stick it in: No reward if you don’t listen to Mommy and daddy.

She goes around the living room.

She plays with other toys.

She goes to the kitchen.

Crosses her arms and pouts several times.

We push her to eat.

No banana.

Lord, she is stubborn.

She tries to stall, cry, whine and delay the process.

We stick it out.

Today’s our rest day and we have nowhere to go.

Finally, she eats.

She eats hesitantly, still goes around the dining area, but she eats.

And finishes her corn.

“Now Cinderella castle?” she asks me.

“Sure, Cinderella castle,” I replied.

It was an old gift given to her by her grandmother. It’s really for her anyway.

She is happy.

Now, she and her dad play the Lego castle this afternoon.

Sigh, since when did 3 year old kids start to reason out like this? When I was a kid, my dad’s rule was law and everyone simply listened and followed.

My 3 year old has her own mind. She wants to be followed. And she sulks when she doesn’t get her way.

“Mommy and daddy fight with me,” she would say.

Well, she’s 3.

We make the rules, and kids must follow them. And if they don’t, we won’t lift a single finger and give them what they want.

Looks like it’s working. 😇😍❤️

To more fights and adventures ahead!

How to Protect your Marriage Against Adultery

This week, Amazon owner and billionaire Jeff Bezos and his wife announced they were going through an amicable divorce after four kids and 25 years of marriage.

A day after their announcement, the real reason for the divorce was dropped to the media — Apparently, the tycoon was having an 8-month affair to celebrity host, Lauren Sanchez, complete with cringy sexts that include cheesy words like:

“I love you, alive girl. I will show you with my body, and my lips and my eyes, very soon,”

And

 “I want to smell you, I want to breathe you in. I want to hold you tight.… I want to kiss your lips…. I love you. I am in love with you,” 

The media also alludes to Bezos sending his mistress nude photos of his supposedly big junk.

With fake boobs and lip fillers, who can complete with the brunette bombshell?

MacKenzie Bezos married Jeff when he was relatively poor after meeting him at DE Shaw. She was one of the first employees at Amazon, and did the company’s accounting on its first year.

As Jeff is now worth USD 136.9 billion and there was no prenup, we can daresay that Mrs. Bezos is probably the BEST investor in the world:

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I share this news as a cautionary tale that husband cheating on their wives can happen to just about anyone. Last year, the couple happily celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary.

A few months later, they are getting divorced.

Because of another shameless woman, and probably more.

It’s really that fast, ladies.

So the question is, How does one protect our marriages?

I have only been married to my husband a little shy of 5 years so I am not one to talk. But I do notice some similarities between couples who have remained married through the ups and downs of life.

My mom and dad is one successful love story — Until my father’s death, my parents were inseparable, and theirs is a lesson on how to protect one’s marriage. Here’s how:

1. They spend every day together. Where my dad was, she was there too.

I’ve always wondered why my mom is always with my dad wherever he went. Where my dad is, there she was too. My husband’s mother is also the same. Combined together, our parents have a combined 80 years of successful marriage between them.

Regardless of the occasion, my mom has always found her way to accompany my dad. I remember when I was in my teens, we joined my dad to Pegasus, a night club, for his friends gathering.

It was just a habit for my mom to accompany my dad wherever he went that even during bachelor parties, she was there and was the resident cool chick.

“I knew of all their wives and their mistresses,” she would tell us. “It’s a boy’s thing. And we just let them be. It was their life after all.”

My mom was always beside my father that it never occurred to anyone that it was weird that she was there even during my father’s friends’ partook of extra-curricular activities. Everyone simply accepted that when they invited my dad, his wife and family would come along. Hence, we were present even during his business meetings and trips or when he played mahjong.

Later on, I realized that this wasn’t the norm and most wives stayed at home while their husbands had their good time. I think my mommy’s presence was a big reason why my father stayed loyal to her until he died of old age.

2. My father was super dependent on my mother for everything.

My mom was very smart. She was so efficient that she took care of my dad’s most basic tasks.

In the morning when he woke up, she has already laid out his toothbrush and toothpaste, his clothes and everything he needed for the day.

For lunch, she would debone the chicken and fish and lay it out for him to eat.

When they went on business trips, she would do everything — book the tickets, print the out, pack the clothes, fill up the forms, etc.

“Why are you always serving daddy?” I asked her many times. “Why doesn’t he service you instead?”

“It’s okay Bonita,” she answered. “It is my job to serve.”

Later on, I realized the value of her service.

Because she was very good at it, my father was dependent on her for everything.

He doesn’t have a telephone book because my mom would always dial his friend if he wanted to call them up for a chat. Hence, there were no privacy issues for him. His phone was her phone, and she knew whom exactly he was talking to and for what.

He doesn’t need to deal with the details as my mom does this for him. Hence, she’s the one who will handle the business permits, do the payroll, pay the taxes, and make sure that all business operations are in order. Consequently, if he was to leave my mom for another woman, his business would be in shutters since he does not know where anything is.

It’s hard to cheat on a woman who is so nice to you and handles all your affairs. Leaving her would mean a lot of hassle and inconvenience. Of course, before getting it on with a ho, my father would have to think whether the ho would be better than my mom in servicing him, and would toss that idea aside.

3. My mom made sure that she supported my dad with everything he did. She was his biggest cheerleader and enabler.

My mom spoiled my dad rotten.

Since she was always there beside him, he would bounce his ideas off her. She would meet all his friends and provide her input. She would be at his beck and call.

My mother made sure she was irreplaceable in his life by literally being irreplaceable. While she was not super beautiful by any means, she has made my father the center of her life, next to us kids. She never disrespected him or fought him head on. Instead, when he was wrong, she still kept quiet until she was proven right.

How different is my mom from many women, including me!

“How can I support my husband if I know he’s doing the wrong thing?” I asked my mom.

“How can you keep your husband if you always win?” would be the answer.

It is a good lesson to remember.

In Summary

We do not know what happened to Jeff and Mackenzie, and how the heck did something so good dissolve just like that.

However, as Jeff Bezos became increasingly successful, MacKenzie Bezos chose a different life path from her husband and became a prize winning novelist.

She was not privy to the small changes in his life, and was happy building her own career and taking care of their four children.

She noticed that he was taking more out of town trips away from the family, and allowed it. The opportunity was there to cheat since she was not there beside him because she believed him all the time.

Mackenzie Bezos almost stumbled on his mistress month ago when Jeff and his mistress flew out of town in their private jet, only to be consoled after her husband told her that the trip was merely for business. She would have caught on his lies if she chose to accompany Jeff on this trip, instead of letting him go alone.

She allowed him to steal away from her bed. At night, she was okay with him sleeping in a different bed/room from her, allowing him to sleep with his mistress when she’s not there. It would have been more logistically difficult if she was always there with him by his side.

Adultery can happen anytime, anywhere, and to anyone. 

I am not surprised that a man of Jeff Bezos stature would resort to finding a hot mistress on the side to boost up his ego. Time immemorial is full of tragic stories of women who help their husbands become successful, only to find themselves replaced when the next hot young thing comes along to seduce their husbands away.

But I am surprised that MacKenzie Bezos allowed this travesty to happen. The problem could have been avoided if she was only more intuitive, more hands on and more PRESENT.

Then again, she is set to gain USD 65 billion out of her husband’s wrong decision. After 25 years of loyal marriage and service, her husband’s adultery is a great excuse to cash out on a lonely, miserable marriage and still look like the good guy.

More power to MacKenzie Bezos — maybe divorce, while painful — is the right decision for her. Not everyone can come off with that much money in 25 years.

But we are not MacKenzie Bezos, and our husband is not as rich as Jeff. 

Personally, it serves my better interest to remain married for now. My husband is not as rich as Jeff Bezos that I am better off financially if we separate. My work with him is not yet finished, and we can still achieve more together than apart. Our daughter would greatly benefit from us still being together.

So yes, I will pray to God and lock my car. 

I hope you will too.

I Work: Am I a Failure as a Wife and Mother?

It’s very frustrating to be a working wife and mother.

Society still demands you to fulfill your duties as a doting yaya to your child, a neat maid to your household (which includes laba, plantsa and taga-linis ng bahay) and an eager sex partner and a sweet companion to your husband, DESPITE also working at least 8 hours in the daytime to bring home the bacon since husband’s income is not enough to smoothly sustain the family.

After working the entire day, one would wish to have some time to kick back, relax, and do nothing but zone out.

But no. At the end of the day, the husband still wants food on the table (instead of you ordering out), the baby still requires attention, the laundry still needs washing, and the house still needs cleaning.

“Such is a woman’s lot,” my more traditional mom would say. “How can you expect your husband to do woman’s work?”

I saw this meme today which perfectly explains a modern woman’s problem:

This meme perfectly describes me: My husband has changed our baby’s diaper a few thousand times since she was born. He does our family’s laundry since we were married. So apparently, based on this meme, I am a complete and utter failure as his wife and partner. 😦

Great…. just great.

Nobody notices that I have worked all day to ensure the money still comes flowing in. Nobody notices how good I am at work. Nobody notices that the baby is still alive, and my husband has received more comforts in life married to me than not.

Nooooo… the only thing society sees? 

My husband bathing our baby and changing her diaper. My husband doing the laundry, while his wife plops in bed and relaxes. Basically, all society sees is a man, doing woman’s work.

What a tragedy, the worst fate a man should have.

It is a tragedy to be a woman nowadays. A Christian blog writer created a viral post after making a chart on whether women should maintain careers or not. In her chart, “Should Mothers Have Careers,” she makes a strong play that it’s better for women to give up their careers and become full-time home makers for the following reasons:

I am the woman described on the left side of the chart. The Career Woman:

• Who is always away from home the entire day
• Whose childcare is outsourced to others, namely the Lola or the yaya
• Who comes home exhausted, plops in bed and watches Netflix while the home stays in disarray
• Whose dinner is usually microwaved or take out
• Who reads a book before putting a child to bed
• Whose weekends is simply buying basic goods for the week ahead
• Whose intimacy is limited to once a week if any given both she and her husband is tired (hence, the only child problem)

The only thing I did not agree with is the last part — I do NOT believe that my life is falling apart, and I do NOT believe I am a failure as a wife and mother.

It is because of such pessimistic messages that discourages women to be the best people we hope to be. What is the point of studying so hard, striving to get the best jobs, only to give them up once you have a baby or two?

“Yes, I am a proud housewife,” one would say. “Family first. I know my priorities. What is money if I can’t do my best for my kids?”

That’s the problem — We assume that we have to be there for our husband and kids 24/7 in order for us to be happy. As if servicing them is our lifelong noble goal, and we do not deserve to find happiness in our own terms. 

I can’t see that for myself. Not yet, and maybe not ever. Who says that one’s life path should be a full time homemaker and mother in order to be happy?

Why should this be the only path?

Men work all the time, and they’re NOT ostracized for putting their career first.

So why are women judged on a different standards and are seen as failure for not putting their kids and husbands first?

Here’s the clincher, especially in today’s society, what if the woman has better earning power than the men? Does this mean that the man still needs to take the responsibility of being the family’s breadwinners just because society says so? Or, should women take up the mantle and the men stay home with the kids?

I strongly disagree that women should only stay at home. I was not trained that way by my family — My dad has trained me to study hard and earn money — and I do not think I am a failure for never really knowing how to clean the bathroom, do the laundry or iron the clothes.

Why should I do it especially since I can always outsource it to someone else who can do it better than I am?

It’s hard to be a woman. Society deems you a failure if you do not take on the household works. Society thinks you’re a bad wife if your husband takes on what should be your job. But I don’t think that should be the case.

The Bible tells us of The Wife of Noble Character in Proverbs 31:10-31.

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

^10 [a]A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

I do not read that a good and noble woman should cook, do the laundry and clean the house. Instead, the actual words is that she “provides” food for her family and give portions to the servants. 

As a working woman, I have provided food for my household. I have paid for our unit’s association dues, our family’s electricity bill and most expenses in our household. Like my husband, I provide for us and make life easier for him and our daughter

The Proverbs 31 woman is a good businessman. She buys a field and plants a vineyard. She EARNS for the family. Her trading is profitable and she works day and night. Even during times of cold, she provides wool for her family. Wool is expensive and requires money. The Bible didn’t say she asked money from her husband. Instead, the Bible said that the woman provided.

Because of who she is, how she acts, and what she does, her husband holds his head up eye and is respected in society.  “Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.” Do you think a man will be respected if his wife was a harlot and an embarrassment?

Actually, reading Proverbs 31, I am encouraged and renewed. The Bible does not look down on busy working women. In fact, it is full of praise, which is appreciated.

I pray that I do not lose too much hope and give up my ministry.

My work provides jobs to at least 40 staff members, mostly women, and I feel that this is how I give back to the Lord. I have seen so many women uplift their lives after being provided a stable job that gives them good income. Many of my employees came from broken families. They were beaten and cheated on by their good for nothing husbands, their children left in the care of their elderly parents. My role here is to keep them employed in the hopes of empowering them to make better decisions for themselves and their families.

I believe that my daughter will benefit in seeing that Mommy is working.

I think being a home maker is equally wonderful and noble, but I do wish my daughter to find her fulfillment in pursuing her passions (which is hopefully income generating), than merely being a cost center to her husband when she grows up.

I wish that Society will be more forgiving to women.

Men have started to lose their manliness and have relegated to the sidelines. More and more men stay on the sidelines of unemployment and depend on their families and their working wives to make money for the family. It is my hope that society can be but fair to women and let them also relax after a hard day’s work especially if they now are bringing home the bacon.

I hope that women would be more supportive of each other.

Everybody’s life and desires are different, so it’s best to respect each other’s life decisions. Kudos to you in wanting to be a stay at home mother, but can you please also be supportive to me as I choose a different path from you?

Lastly, I know I am making the right decision for me.

My father has trained me to make money. I am equally contributing to our household. My daughter is still alive and is doing well in school. My husband grumbles I have less time for him, and wants me to be more service-oriented, but finds a way to show appreciation after seeing the alternative.

I am a working wife and mother. And I am good at it. I hope others would find encouragement to know that it’s okay to work and still be a good mother and partner to your kids. 

Happy weekend!

 

 

 

 

How I Found a New Yaya Online

I decided to try the Internet in my search for a brand new yaya because all agencies I called up in December had a low supply of yayas to choose from because most of the yayas had gone home for the holidays.

As the agencies I know usually charge me Php 8,000 to Php 15,000 for every referral, I figured, why not save on the agency fee and try my luck on the Internet?

Anyway, I’ve always believed that all agencies do is to refer a yaya to you. The hard job of interviewing, screening and deciding still land on the hands of the employer. So I posted the following ad online on my search for a new yaya for my daughter:

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LOOKING FOR TODDLER YAYA

RESPONSIBILITIES:
* To take care of and monitor a happy, normal 3 year old daughter (Bring her to school, feed/bathe/play with her, etc.)
* Launder our clothes via washing machine (Fold then return back to cabinet)
* Tidy up general surroundings (e.g., sweep and mop floor, tidy up. We live in a condo).

PERSONALITY NEEDED: Happy and pleasant, trustworthy, honest, hardworking, and reliable. Easy going and neat (pero hindi kailangang OC. Hindi kami maselan). May kusa at malambing sa bata.

SALARY:
* Monthly: PHP 9,000.00
* Rest day: 2 days per month. I pay for the two days you didn’t take, so add Php 692.31 per month. Net pay per month with two rest days = Php 9,692.31.
* SSS, Philhealth, Pagibig from 4th month, 13th month pay, 5 days SIL after 1 year of service
* Have own room and toilet. Yaya buys own toiletries.

REQUIREMENTS:
* Completed Bio-data
* Photo
* NBI Clearance (Valid and unexpired)
* Barangay Clearance
* Birth Certificate (NSO/PSA)

TO APPLY:
1. PM me requirements and cellphone number. I will call you for interview if you qualify.
2, If I like you, I will hire you. You have to come to Manila at your own expense though. No to padala pamasahe. We can pick you up from Cubao or Makati.

NOTE:
* We don’t do CAs or bale.
* Cellphone only after duty hours.
* No cooking needed. Still, we need someone who is not maselan sa pagkain.

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To my surprise, I got a bit of traction with my online ad. More than a handful of candidates PM’d me to try their luck. To be honest, I was quite humbled with the fact that so many people was interested in applying:

One of the things that I have going for me is the fact that I was offering a slightly higher than average salary for a yaya.

The minimum wage for a kasambahay in the Philippines is Php 3,500.00 per month with four rest days. On average, many employers offer a range of Php 4,000 to 7,000 for a yaya. As you can see in the ad, I was offering Php 9,000, which is already 30-50% higher than what most employers are offering.

I didn’t do it to get more applicants. That was just the happy effect.

However, my daughter’s yaya has always earned an average monthly salary of Php 8,000-12,000. I have sourced these yayas through various agencies who charge me a referral fee of Php 8,000 to Php 15,000 per referral. So the amount I was offering is on par to what I have offered every single yaya on my employ.

In addition, I have paid for the correct benefits, are okay with 13th month pay and have given our yayas over and above what they have given us in service. All of our yayas were able to save up and uplift their lives while under our employ.

So what’s not to like?

We were confident we were pretty good and fair employers. Our child was normal and healthy, and any yaya who comes to us is lucky to be part of our family.

Why more employers should consider the Internet when looking for yayas

The great thing about using the Internet when looking for yayas is that you get to see their Facebook accounts, scroll through their online histories, and see what type of people they are via looking at their social media posts.

Yayas I don’t even consider:

1. Those who post sexy photos of themselves over the Internet. Yes, apparently, they have no shame in showing off their bodies. Great when you’re looking for a good time, but probably not the best candidates for a yaya for my 3-year old girl:

2. Those who post angry or emo-like status updates. A red flag is someone who complains about their employers online. Negativity is not something I’d like to invite in my home.

3. Those who posts too many selfies of themselves online. Too much vanity!!! I also don’t feel comfortable when they pose around the house, take photos and post them online.

4. Those who post photos of the kids they take care of online. It’s not their call to post photos of their employers’ children on the Internet.

5. Those who don’t read the ad in full and keep on asking the same questions over and over. Like many of those who applied do not even have the requirements I need to consider them. Their NBI Clearance is expired. They have no valid IDs. Or they’re in the province and not in Manila. What’s the point of inquiring if you have no interest in coming here to work since you have no money?

6. Those who are too young and don’t have the work experience for the job at hand. Apologies, but an 18 year old is too young to be a yaya for my daughter at a rate of Php 9,000. I would prefer someone older who knows how to take care of different types of kids.

Yayas I considered:

1. Those who are slightly older, at least 28 years old and above. 
2. Those with relatively happy families. I am okay with single mothers, but I hope that they have a good head on their shoulders.
3. Yayas who actually have all the required documents on hand.
4. Those who didn’t really pose any red flags during the phone interview. Here are the Questions I Ask in a Phone Interview with Yaya.

The yaya I finally chose was 46 years old, happily married to the same man for 23 years, and have two older boys, 19 and 21 years old. She ticked all the boxes, and was fine with all my conditions, and was willing to come in on the 28th, which was before January:

Anyway, life is short. Why not try out new things? At worse case I don’t like this yaya, we can always terminate her and find a new one. It’s not as if we cannot survive without a yaya. If we fail, try and try again.

She seems okay with our little baby. Of course, our baby prefers the old yaya but hey, we make do with what we have.

So there we go. I hope you can try finding a yaya too online.

Who knows?

The yaya for life we are looking for may just be right in the corner, waiting for us to post online. 🙂

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Additional: 10 Tips in Looking for a Yaya Online

Dear Cousin: A letter when everyone hates your GF

November 3, 2018

Dear Cousin,

You were surprised on why your relatives have judged your girlfriend so harshly after seeing her for the first time last week. You probably are asking on how they can be so critical of her without even knowing her, and how can they know better than you, you who have already been dating her for a few months.

I am writing to ask your forgiveness if you have been hurt. I know that by presenting her, you took a risk that your relatives may or may not like her. You still took that chance though, because you felt that she was already the right girl for you. In your mind, if she was good enough for you, then she should be good enough for everyone. Anyway, it was her, not us, who make you the happiest. Isn’t that what really matters?

Congrats cousin — you now join the ranks of many a star-crossed couples who face an opposing challenging world. Like Romeo and Juliet, any hardship will only make your love stronger, and your evil relatives will soon be proven wrong. It’s your life anyway, and as an adult, you can make your own damn decision. To be honest, I don’t even think you cared about whatever anyone thought, so long as she makes you happy. And to be quite frank, I think you’re right. The most important thing was that you like her, and to hell with everyone else.

Before you get even more upset, cool down a bit.

The initial disapproval is just a test. It can be heart breaking, but it doesn’t mean it’s the end. There is still hope that minds will be changed, and it all depends on how you react to such possibly devastating news. You had a right to be angry of course. As I’ve said, it’s not our business to meddle in your love life. But I would rather look at it in a positive way, and use this experience to truly test whether or not she is the right girl for you.

Our relatives was against Husband too when I first introduced them. They thought he was plain rude, a womanizer, and an irresponsible son who have constantly made bad judgments throughout his youth. The fact that he was annulled at a young age didn’t make matters worse. He would say the wrong things all the time, and offend everyone. We couldn’t even finish our pre-engagement counselling with Uncle Eee and Auntie Dee as they couldn’t believe that he was a true Christian. He had anger and alcohol issues. My brother felt he was not good enough as a man for me. My brother even slammed his hand on the wall after I told him to back off. Auntie Bee implored my mom to meet Husband’s first wife, and it was through this arrangement that I met See. It was initially awkward, but I am glad I met her. It put a lot of their concerns to rest.

Relatives do this because they love us. Sure, they worry because whoever we pick will taint our bloodline, but I also do believe from the bottom of my heart that they criticize so that we will as well. When we’re in love, we still wear rose-colored glasses and throw our cautions into the wind. That’s how infatuation work, and it can be a dangerous thing. It blinds us to our partner’s weaknesses and make bad character traits look like cute quirks. We forgive our partner’s dangerous habits easily and say they don’t matter, and that they will change. That it’s okay if our partner argues with us in a destructive and disrespectful manner, or if our partner’s family is crazy and dysfunctional. Anyway, we are marrying HER and not them, so these things doesn’t matter.

Oh please, let’s not delude ourselves.

If you are irritated with her, these things will irritate you even more through time. If she gets angry easily, she will be hot tempered once you get married. If she keeps on complaining about her life, she will also complain about you, and that’s unhealthy. These things will never go away because they already make who she is. If you don’t like her family, remember that they brought her up and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. If they’re dysfunctional, she’s cuckoo too but you just can’t see it.

That’s why we date.

The main goal of dating is to find out whether the (wo)man we love is truly the right person for us. Through the time we spend together, we see if they can make us truly happy beyond the dating stage, and whether they will make good partners, spouses, and mothers/fathers.

You say that she is already everything you need and want in a woman. Okay, prove it. Show us that your love is strong and unwavering. That she makes you a better person, and that life is much better with her around. That she will be very loving and caring towards you, and will not fight with you or ask you to isolate yourselves from your family and friends. The right woman should bring you closer to your family despite initial misunderstandings, not turn you against each other.

It takes humility and maturity to accept harsh criticism, ponder upon them, and to see whether it is something to be concerned about. It takes wisdom to respect the views of elders, even when we don’t agree with it. It is not bad to ask, “Why don’t they like her?” instead of attacking defensively and saying, “Who do you think you are to not like her? You don’t even know her.”

Honestly speaking cousin, it’s your life. And it’s not really anyone’s business to comment on who you choose to come into your life. As you’re now working and have your own income, your relatives have nothing that you want and they can all go to hell for all you care.

But before you make angry snap judgment, take a moment to really ask yourself why your girlfriend isn’t liked? What was it about her that everyone saw that they felt made her not a good match for you? Why did they think that by choosing her, you would be less happier in the future than if you choose someone else? Was it something she wore, something she said, or the way they acted that revealed to them something they felt would not be good for you in the long run? The assumption is that your relatives loved and cared for you. So what was it that they were warning you against? And how can they have seen this in just one meeting?

In Chinese, there’s a word, “看人” or “Kwa lang.” This is a skill that’s honed by meeting different types of people and knowing their stories. My dad was allegedly very good at this. Through just one meeting, he can already make a snap judgment about a person, and it was almost always correct. This uncanny ability was able to enrich him as he can decide very quickly whether this was a person who you could do business with, or who will fool you. I was afraid of this skill, as he oftentimes had an opposing view about people I was friends with. And it bothered me that in time, he was oftentimes proven right in his judgment.

What was it that everyone saw in her that made them feel that she was not the right person for me? Why would they say that while it’s my choice, I might end up unhappier if I ended up with her? What did they see that I cannot?

I think these are good questions to ask. I had asked the same questions when I dated Husband. To be fair, our relatives were correct in their assessment: There were many reasons on why Husband was not the right person for me, and that I deserved better. To be fair, he got rid of the drinking (alcohol) before we got married, so that was one burden off my back. He’s also changed so much since we married. He’s also proven that he’s a terrific father after Baby came along.

But I think that it was good we went through this exercise before we got married. Left by ourselves and without elderly counsel, I don’t think our marriage would have been stronger. Even Husband had to change before he married me, and it was because I demanded that he should.

Though it was an uncomfortable time for everyone, I am still glad that our relatives criticized him then, he still kept an open mind with that. He didn’t blacklist or hate them, nor wasn’t he angry at them for saying such mean things about him. Instead, he understood and tried to prove everyone wrong. What should have destroyed us just made us stronger. What he is right now is due to the trials we went through as a couple. If he wasn’t a good partner then, he was a good partner now because of our relatives’ feedback. And I am very thankful and blessed as a result.

At the end of the day, it’s your life.

You get to decide who you allow inside your life, and who to remove from your life. And before you make any snap decisions on removing your relatives from yours just because they don’t like the girl you’re dating, ask yourself if it’s just your relatives who don’t like her. Does your parents like her, like really like her? Does your friends who have known you for decades like her, as in really like her? Is she like your mother, Auntie Edwina? Will she make a good wife, mother and life partner?

Now, ask yourself WHY.

Reflection is a gift that keeps on giving.

Date her if you must.

Marry her too if you think she’s the best girl for you now and forever.

But choosing the (wo)man you will marry is the most important decision any person has to make in their lives. Therein that one decision lays your happiness, your luck, your future, and your children’s future.

If you choose her, still invite us to the engagement and wedding. Blood runs thicker than water, and it’s laughable and silly if you discard your relatives just because of a woman.

But if you can, pray. Think very carefully. Ask yourself why. Ask other people why. Therein lies the answer. Then decide accordingly.

Good luck, cousin. This is your first time to be in love, and hopefully, it won’t be your last. May you make the right decision for yourself, and may she make you very happy if you do choose her. We wish you only the best in whatever life has to offer.

Big hugs,

Cousin Bonita

How a Motorcycle Led to Infidelity

It all started with a motorcycle.

Our driver wanted to buy a brand new motorcycle. The price tag was 6x his salary but since it was a 2-years to pay deal at Php 3,500 a month payment.

That’s around 23% of his monthly salary.

“How can he afford it?” I said. “That’s a lot of cash out. A preloved bike would cost just half the amount.”

“It’s okay,” my husband consoled me. “Guys always want something that’s pogi (handsome). His wife is working anyway, so they can very well afford it.”

So our driver bought the bike.

Every month, he is forced to pay the installment or forfeit the bike.

As expected, money became tight.

When money becomes tight, the wife became more of a nagger. This usually happens when you have a kid and another one on the way.

It became an unhappy home. Who wants a pregnant wife who screams at you all the time?

Then my husband gave the driver a postpaid line. “To make sure he has load so I can reach him the whole day.”

Great — so now the driver has load and Internet. 

Understandably, given his unhappy home, the driver found excitement via messaging women from Facebook. Since his boss was paying for his load, our driver could now flirt with abandon.

Whereas Internet used to cost him Php 50 for three days, it was now free. So our driver found old loves, created fake accounts, and messaged them online.

Apparently, one believed that he was in an unhappy marriage and boinked him. “It’s okay,” our driver winked to his coworker. “I used protection this time.”

Our driver came to a point that he would lie about his work schedule. He usually gets off early at 3pm on school days. His wife didn’t know. So he would spend late afternoons chasing after women.

Of course, one day, he got caught. 

Everyone does get caught eventually.

For our driver, it was a message sent by his girlfriend to his phone that his wife happened to see.

All hell broke loose — he was kicked out of the house. Cried a bit. And his children got into the mess because the mother told the kids that their father didn’t love them because he chose her over them.

He took two days off to solve his family problem.

He was a lot quieter.

The wife forgave him, only to kick him out once again after she caught him with a second Facebook account, the one with the chicks.

Oh well, so now he has an unhappy home.

And I want to tell my husband, “I told you so.” 

But what for?

We all know where the problem lay. He was happier when he didn’t have the freaking phone, load, and brand new motorcycle.

It’s a bunch of wrong personal decisions that brought him to an unhappy home, a reduced bank account, and instability.

“Well, it was an unhappy home anyway,” my husband said.

No, it wasn’t.

He was happier when he didn’t have enough money.

He was happier when he commuted to work.

He was happier when he didn’t have a phone to find a sex buddy.

He was happier when he didn’t have free internet.

As bosses, we need to be more vigil in giving our people liberties that are inevitably harmful to them. If we care about our staff, we need to be more careful on how one bad decisions end up to the other.

The unhappy home started with an expensive acquisition and led to a broken family.

Next time, we should do better in becoming good bosses to our staff.

 

Suggestion: Let’s Remove the Word, “Dapat” from our Vocabulary

We have to get rid of “Dapat” from our vocabulary.

In English, “Dapat” means “Should” and herein lies the crux of all our problems.

With just a single word, “Dapat or should” we place all our dreams and expectations. Only to be crushed when people disappoint us. Or when things don’t go our way.

How are we a victim of this cruel word?

To our bosses, you want to shout to them, “You should open your eyes and see how good I am for your company. And you should reward me greatly for tolerating your idiosyncrasy. If without me, what are you?”

To our husband, we tell them, “You should appreciate me more. You shouldn’t look at other women. You should be grateful I married you.”

To our children, we instruct them, “You should listen to me more. You should excel in school. You should understand that what I do is for you.”

To our workers, we expect them, “You should not dilly-dally, and just do your jobs. You should do your work without me overlooking your shoulder. You should not steal. You should be on time. You should not complain.”

No wonder life disappoints us. We expect life to be a certain way, and it isn’t. 

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I am a victim of the word, “Should.” 

I heap my expectation with my husband, my kid, my people, and everyone around me. I get frustrated when things don’t go my way because they don’t get me.

What an idiot am I.

I realize that much of my frustrations lie on ME. The way I expect things to go my way, and don’t. The way I expect others to behave but don’t.

Actually, if I loosen my expectations, I could actually be a happier, chirpier person.

The struggle lies on the fact that I refuse to let go. I still hold on others to their promises. And I wish everyone would just follow whatever I say.

For example, what if my husband cheats on me?

The usual thing to do is to hanker down, get mad and scream at him. Slash his tires, poison his drink, and go bananas. All this because he did something he SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE.

Now, what if after I found out, I simply go home, pack up our things, and move our daughter elsewhere.

No shouting matches, no struggle, and no denial.

Just pack up and go.

When my husband comes back, all he would see is me packing up and taking away what he loves the most, our daughter.

No drama, just a matter of fact, “Sorry, you fucked up. I told you I would leave you if you did, and I will.”

Same result, smoother ride.

Wouldn’t that be better?

If we let go of our expectations, it empowers us to take the situation in our hands and just react by ourselves. We don’t have to push other people to follow what we want. We can just do what we want to do.

Don’t you agree?

Let’s remove “Should” from our vocabulary. I know it’s hard. It’s my personal struggle. But let’s try.

I think we’d be happier persons for it.

 

 

One of the Hardest Things to Do is to Do Nothing

My husband’s business is in a bit of financial constraints due to having too much expenses vs. lowered revenue plus operational inefficiency and some wastage.

The easiest thing to do is to loan his business money. If you have the money, why not? Anyway, loans are to be paid off, and if it helps lessen the financial pressure, then you help.

However, after loans have been piling up, my husband has resorted to having his credit card bills payable to 24 months at 1.99% interest per month. That’s a whopping 24% annual interest charge!

I knew about this problem last May. My husband tells me not to worry as he has everything under control.

The hardest thing to do is to do NOTHING.

And to trust that your husband really knows what he is doing, even though you do not agree with his ways and means.

It’s really difficult for me to do nothing though. People who know me know that when faced with a problem, my automatic response is to act on it and solve it.

With this issue however, the fastest band-aid to do is to just lend him even more money even if he still owes money. However, the logical part of me knows that lending him more money will sink his business more in debt, and I will just enable him in buying more inventory he probably won’t need, or to pay off people he shouldn’t really be paying.

So I watch in the sidelines and worry.

At the end of the day, the credit card his business uses is under his name, and personally he is liable for everything he buys. “Keeping a business afloat using loans is the Filipino way of doing business. It is the easy way out and is not the correct way,” my father in law said.

I know, dad… but what can I do?

My husband tells me to trust him. And that he has it under his control.

My inner gut tells me this way is not a way to build and grow a business. Personally, the business I am managing is super tight with money and has built up sufficient cash reserves in just 4 years. My husband’s business has been there for a decade and has yet to build up any cash reserves.

I try not to interfere but it is hard.

I know if I interfere, I can help. But to interfere is to emasculate and belittle my husband, who is the leader of our household.

But if I don’t help, there might be impending doom. And it’s crucial that my husband’s business survives, as a man finds his self-worth with what he does. A man who is unemployed and has let his people down is a defeated man, and such a man is not a good companion for the house.

BIG SIGH.

I am not asking for pity. But I share this with you to say that even if everything seems rosy and perfect, we have problems as well. Honestly, this problem is between my husband and I and is something that must be settled together.

Well, let’s wait and see how he will handle it. He said to trust him and I will. So I will wait to see how he will solve his problem.

As I’ve said, one of the hardest things to do is to do NOTHING.

How about you? Have you ever seen a potential trainwreck to happen and stop yourself from doing something about it? How do you feel about that?