I Work: Am I a Failure as a Wife and Mother?

It’s very frustrating to be a working wife and mother.

Society still demands you to fulfill your duties as a doting yaya to your child, a neat maid to your household (which includes laba, plantsa and taga-linis ng bahay) and an eager sex partner and a sweet companion to your husband, DESPITE also working at least 8 hours in the daytime to bring home the bacon since husband’s income is not enough to smoothly sustain the family.

After working the entire day, one would wish to have some time to kick back, relax, and do nothing but zone out.

But no. At the end of the day, the husband still wants food on the table (instead of you ordering out), the baby still requires attention, the laundry still needs washing, and the house still needs cleaning.

“Such is a woman’s lot,” my more traditional mom would say. “How can you expect your husband to do woman’s work?”

I saw this meme today which perfectly explains a modern woman’s problem:

This meme perfectly describes me: My husband has changed our baby’s diaper a few thousand times since she was born. He does our family’s laundry since we were married. So apparently, based on this meme, I am a complete and utter failure as his wife and partner. 😦

Great…. just great.

Nobody notices that I have worked all day to ensure the money still comes flowing in. Nobody notices how good I am at work. Nobody notices that the baby is still alive, and my husband has received more comforts in life married to me than not.

Nooooo… the only thing society sees? 

My husband bathing our baby and changing her diaper. My husband doing the laundry, while his wife plops in bed and relaxes. Basically, all society sees is a man, doing woman’s work.

What a tragedy, the worst fate a man should have.

It is a tragedy to be a woman nowadays. A Christian blog writer created a viral post after making a chart on whether women should maintain careers or not. In her chart, “Should Mothers Have Careers,” she makes a strong play that it’s better for women to give up their careers and become full-time home makers for the following reasons:

I am the woman described on the left side of the chart. The Career Woman:

• Who is always away from home the entire day
• Whose childcare is outsourced to others, namely the Lola or the yaya
• Who comes home exhausted, plops in bed and watches Netflix while the home stays in disarray
• Whose dinner is usually microwaved or take out
• Who reads a book before putting a child to bed
• Whose weekends is simply buying basic goods for the week ahead
• Whose intimacy is limited to once a week if any given both she and her husband is tired (hence, the only child problem)

The only thing I did not agree with is the last part — I do NOT believe that my life is falling apart, and I do NOT believe I am a failure as a wife and mother.

It is because of such pessimistic messages that discourages women to be the best people we hope to be. What is the point of studying so hard, striving to get the best jobs, only to give them up once you have a baby or two?

“Yes, I am a proud housewife,” one would say. “Family first. I know my priorities. What is money if I can’t do my best for my kids?”

That’s the problem — We assume that we have to be there for our husband and kids 24/7 in order for us to be happy. As if servicing them is our lifelong noble goal, and we do not deserve to find happiness in our own terms. 

I can’t see that for myself. Not yet, and maybe not ever. Who says that one’s life path should be a full time homemaker and mother in order to be happy?

Why should this be the only path?

Men work all the time, and they’re NOT ostracized for putting their career first.

So why are women judged on a different standards and are seen as failure for not putting their kids and husbands first?

Here’s the clincher, especially in today’s society, what if the woman has better earning power than the men? Does this mean that the man still needs to take the responsibility of being the family’s breadwinners just because society says so? Or, should women take up the mantle and the men stay home with the kids?

I strongly disagree that women should only stay at home. I was not trained that way by my family — My dad has trained me to study hard and earn money — and I do not think I am a failure for never really knowing how to clean the bathroom, do the laundry or iron the clothes.

Why should I do it especially since I can always outsource it to someone else who can do it better than I am?

It’s hard to be a woman. Society deems you a failure if you do not take on the household works. Society thinks you’re a bad wife if your husband takes on what should be your job. But I don’t think that should be the case.

The Bible tells us of The Wife of Noble Character in Proverbs 31:10-31.

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

^10 [a]A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

I do not read that a good and noble woman should cook, do the laundry and clean the house. Instead, the actual words is that she “provides” food for her family and give portions to the servants. 

As a working woman, I have provided food for my household. I have paid for our unit’s association dues, our family’s electricity bill and most expenses in our household. Like my husband, I provide for us and make life easier for him and our daughter

The Proverbs 31 woman is a good businessman. She buys a field and plants a vineyard. She EARNS for the family. Her trading is profitable and she works day and night. Even during times of cold, she provides wool for her family. Wool is expensive and requires money. The Bible didn’t say she asked money from her husband. Instead, the Bible said that the woman provided.

Because of who she is, how she acts, and what she does, her husband holds his head up eye and is respected in society.  “Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.” Do you think a man will be respected if his wife was a harlot and an embarrassment?

Actually, reading Proverbs 31, I am encouraged and renewed. The Bible does not look down on busy working women. In fact, it is full of praise, which is appreciated.

I pray that I do not lose too much hope and give up my ministry.

My work provides jobs to at least 40 staff members, mostly women, and I feel that this is how I give back to the Lord. I have seen so many women uplift their lives after being provided a stable job that gives them good income. Many of my employees came from broken families. They were beaten and cheated on by their good for nothing husbands, their children left in the care of their elderly parents. My role here is to keep them employed in the hopes of empowering them to make better decisions for themselves and their families.

I believe that my daughter will benefit in seeing that Mommy is working.

I think being a home maker is equally wonderful and noble, but I do wish my daughter to find her fulfillment in pursuing her passions (which is hopefully income generating), than merely being a cost center to her husband when she grows up.

I wish that Society will be more forgiving to women.

Men have started to lose their manliness and have relegated to the sidelines. More and more men stay on the sidelines of unemployment and depend on their families and their working wives to make money for the family. It is my hope that society can be but fair to women and let them also relax after a hard day’s work especially if they now are bringing home the bacon.

I hope that women would be more supportive of each other.

Everybody’s life and desires are different, so it’s best to respect each other’s life decisions. Kudos to you in wanting to be a stay at home mother, but can you please also be supportive to me as I choose a different path from you?

Lastly, I know I am making the right decision for me.

My father has trained me to make money. I am equally contributing to our household. My daughter is still alive and is doing well in school. My husband grumbles I have less time for him, and wants me to be more service-oriented, but finds a way to show appreciation after seeing the alternative.

I am a working wife and mother. And I am good at it. I hope others would find encouragement to know that it’s okay to work and still be a good mother and partner to your kids. 

Happy weekend!

 

 

 

 

How I Met my Husband

We met via e-Harmony.

Yes, our love story is a testimony that online dating works, and works beautifully.

I was single, 33 years old, and fresh out of a breakup from a 2.5 year old relationship that blindsided me.

He was 36, a notorious playboy over the last decade, and has been searching fruitlessly for love that would his parents would approve.

I found a sponsored article that asked whether someone was The One for you. The article had many points that provided some clarity on my brother’s relationship problems, and alongside this article was a “REGISTER FOR FREE” ad for e-Harmony.

Thinking I had nothing to lose, I signed up for the experience.

What’s great about the site was that it was anonymous, and it asked you to answer a personality test that allowed the system to match you to someone that fits your personality.

According to eHarmony, “eharmony is the first service within the online dating industry to use a scientific approach to matching highly compatible singles. eharmony’s matching is based on using its 29 DIMENSIONS® model to match couples based on features of compatibility found in thousands of successful relationships.”

Unlike other sites, it only showed your profile to your matches. You can state your preference on the type of person you liked. It was nice that the only thing others can see was my name.

I cited I wanted someone who was tall, was a Christian, Chinese and from Hongkong, Philippines or Singapore. I figured it was an interesting concept and was worth a try.

Little did I know, my future husband was signing up as well.

His sister was able to successfully find love online as well, so he thought he’d want to give it a try.

My future husband wanted someone who was a Christian, a non-smoker, Chinese and lived 20 kilometers from his house.

I was okay with meeting men from all over as I lived in Hong Kong, Singapore, Taiwan and the United Kingdom.

Given his location preference, I was one of his two matches from the site.

I on the other hand had around 90+ eligible men to choose from! Wohoo!

The less picky you are, the more matches you will have!

As I was the better looking one out of his only two matches, my now husband sent me a nudge and requested to see my photo:

eHarmony sent the notice straight to my mailbox. It was August 2012.

What initially attracted me was his honesty.

Husband was very honest, very direct, and oftentimes, tactless. He doesn’t really lie and would tell the truth if you ask for it. There is no sugar coating with him. Black is black and if politeness indicates that he is to say white, he would still say it is black.

His unfiltered mess both attracts and repels depending on who you talk to, and yet, I found it quite refreshing.

From the get go, he was open about his first failed marriage, and that the annulment was clean and there was no way they were getting back together. He has no bad words about his ex-wife, only citing they remained friends and in civil terms.

We exchanged tons of messages, never really talking about anything confidential but open about educational and family background, our interests, and what we do.

We had common friends but didn’t know it yet.

The only thing I knew was that this guy was different, quite intelligent, and very interesting.

I looked forward to reading his emails and learning more about him.

From the initial emails, I learned where he went to school (it was my mother’s school), graduated with a degree in Engineering in one of Manila’s better schools, and his family went to a Christian church.

In truth, I think that maybe it is God’s plan to let us meet each other this way.

If I met my husband in a car show, I would have found him too strong, too confident and too in-your-face. As we only had words to rely on, we got to know each other better from a non-physical standpoint.

When my husband said he liked me for my brains, it was because of weeks of emailing each other back and forth.

Here was the catch —- to exchange messages, each of us had to pay USD 63.00 for a 3-month subscription.

Intrigued, we both gladly paid the USD 63.00 from each of our sides. This is how eHarmony makes money, ladies and gentlemen.

But to my husband, “It was the best thing my USD 63.00 has ever purchased in my life.”

THE FIRST DATES

After a month of emailing and then texting, we finally met up.

Our first date was in this casual steak place in Pasig and we talked for hours. Unlike my dates with other men when I felt like an amused observer, time with my now husband went by quite fast.

I don’t really know what we talked about really, but most likely it’s about our college days and my times abroad, and for him working for the family business and his first marriage.

On our second date, I met his sister and her husband, both expats from Shanghai. At that time, coincidentally, they came by in Manila for a visit.

In between dates, we texted and talked to each other on the phone.

I enjoyed talking to him.

We had the same wavelength and can discuss multiple topics from American gossip, to politics, to car shows to wall climbing and keeping fit.

In November 2012, we became a couple. On June 2014, we got married, and have been happily married ever since.

We have a daughter who is almost 3 who is the light of our lives.

Since then, I have been a fierce endorser of online dating.

We both think it’s an incredible discovery, and it’s the best USD 63.00 we’ve ever spent.

Who knew we would meet each other via an American dating app? Who knew that while we had mutual friends, it was this app that brought us together.

So if you’re single and looking for love, never lose hope.

Try eHarmony.

We did, and we’re so very glad that we did. 🙂

Why You Have to Love Yourself

There’s a saying that before everyone else can love you, you have to love yourself FIRST.

That’s the problem with sayings, you never fully understand them when you hear them at first. It’s like someone telling you some feel good bullsh*t and you just nod your head and you go on your day.

I have a daughter and I want her to have the best life she can have. And as I reflect on my own life, I can to a strong realization: Actually, I’ve always had guys I’ve dated follow me to do my biding.

Every guy I dated did my laundry.

One guy even picked my dirty clothes from my place, launder it, hang it, fold it and deliver it back.

He stuck around despite the fact he was my personal labandera.

One guy dated me for 2.5 years despite the fact that he was a super light sleeper and I was sadly the snorer.

He still stuck around. No wonder he was so exhausted all the time!

My husband still married me despite my crazy episodes. There we were in beautiful Santorini and I was bawling my eyes out and complaining to a random woman just because he wouldn’t want to accompany his wife to see the sunset.

We did see the sunset eventually. It was fine.

For every woman I know who walks on eggshells around their significant others, there was me who would tell her husband off if he’s being a complete ass who keeps on shouting at his wife.

Just the other day, I called him out because he refused to help out unless I ask him using the correct terms. He had a problem on how I phrases the question,

It eventually ended in an argument where I felt he was criticizing the question because he was too lazy at that time to even bother helping. I didn’t talk to him for an hour or too.

For everything that I dare do with my husband — like to drag him seeing musicals that I love even if he cares nothing for them — there is an equivalent woman who shuts up and meekly follows her husband even to the detriment of her needs and wants.

My heart breaks when I see this.

Women beaten.

Women cheated on.

Women who force themselves to be silent.

Women who demur their needs over someone else.

Women who are afraid of their bad tempered husbands.

Ladies, WHY ARE YOU AFRAID?

It boggles my mind when abused women do not leave because they are afraid of losing their men, their very source of fear.

I don’t understand why a woman will accept another person’s bad treatment, up to the point of being depressed themselves, just because they love him.

Ladies, that isn’t love.

Guys who love you don’t beat you up.

They don’t cheat at you because they know they will lose you when they do.

They don’t scream at you to submit and control your every move just because they assume you are cheating elsewhere.

Guys who love you shouldn’t scare you to death.

As I scan through my Facebook page, I saw happy photos. They were of my weird friends. The crazy ones who always followed their own beats and danced at the party as if no one was watching.

They were different — The way they talked, walked and ran their lives.

These weird friends had a great time just being themselves and didn’t give a shit on what anyone thought.

I honestly thought they would end up being single the rest of their lives.

Like seriously, who would want them?

More personally, who would want me?

The woman who spoke her mind all the time even if it was inappropriate.

The woman who snored.

The woman who placed her work above family.

The woman who hated doing domestic work and would let her laundry pile up for months.

The woman who refused to be wrong and will argue to you to death until proven right.

Everyone thought I would remain single.

Ironically, I ended up with someone who accepted all my thoughts and more.

Did I just get lucky?

Did I win the lottery?

Not really.

I think because I didn’t care too much of what other people think, by time and natural selection, I unconsciously filtered out those guys who wouldn’t like me until I found the guys who accepted and adored me and my quirks.

We are so afraid to lose the men in our lives that we hold onto them even if they make us unhappy.

Since I wasn’t too afraid to lose them, I ended up with guys who followed me and allowed me to be me.

And since they already know who I am on the get go, the men in my life usually lets me be when I do crazy things most women cannot get away with.

And since I am just being me, I am a way happier and fulfilled person.

I don’t sacrifice myself, my principles or my being to please anyone. I live my life fully at my own terms.

Unlike other women, I was single for years at a time. Most guys who met me scoffed and went for the meeker sheep who followed and serviced them all the time.

I didn’t service guys too much. They can get their own water thanks very much.

I turned off the very guys who would have made me unhappy. Because being with them meant I had to sacrifice my being me to be aith them.

So I ended up alone, until I met guys who thought I was the greatest thing ever.

They were the guys I dated, and one of them stuck long enough for me to marry him.

Why don’t other people be themselves more?

Are you afraid people will not like or care for you if you don’t?

If your friends cannot accept that, then why are you friends with them still?

If your boyfriend/partner frowns upon it, do you think you can tolerate such partner for the rest of your lives?

If your family can’t deal with it, who says you have to be with them 24/7?

My point is, it is very liberating to be yourself. To march in your own drum.

Loving oneself = Having the courage to BE YOURSELF.

You can be yourself and still be loved.

If other people don’t, that’s their problem, not yours.

Why do you not start loving yourself today?

Comments appreciated. Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

Relationship Advice: Stop making your wife do all the work!

In marriage, it’s easy to push responsibilities to your partner.

“It’s the job of the mother to take care of the kids.”

“It’s the job of the wife to cook for the husband.”

“It’s not my job to keep the bathroom clean.”

“It’s not my job to change the diaper or bathe the baby. That’s the woman’s job.”

I realised that a big part of my being happy in my marriage comes in large part because my husband stops himself from pushing jobs to me just because I am a wife, mother and woman.

A lot of women complain about their husbands. As part of a huge Filipino Mommy group, I am privy to many women’s heartaches, many of which circles around the fact that their husbands do not help in the house or with the kids.

What’s even worse, many of these women work. And when they get home, things at home are still expected to be in their realm of responsibility.

What’s more annoying is that while women take care of the house and families, fathers are either…

Or doing this….

And then angrily say, “Can’t you see I’m busy!”

No wonder women are unhappy. Who wouldn’t be pissed if this is what happens at home?

So if you guys want to make your wife happy, do the housework. Don’t burden and leave her in doing all the childrearing and keeping the house clean. Then complain when things aren’t done your way. That’s really annoying!

As they say,

No need to buy the book. Just change the diapers, do the laundry and cook and clean once in a while and your wife will love you forever.

I know I love my husband! He’s the best!

A Shocking Discovery

I was browsing through my husband’s phone yesterday since my phone battery already died.

Since we were traveling to Angkor Wat with family soon, I was checking out activities I can add to our itinerary. Given our destination, I wanted to check out massage and spa establishments in the area.

So I googled, “Angkor Wat massage.”

To my surprise, this came out.

I tried several times but still, the same message came out. When I clicked, “Allow Website,” another page came out.

The f*ck?

I asked husband about it after he woke up from his nap.

“Why is the page restricted?” I asked. “I don’t have such restrictions on my phone.”

“Oh,” he replied. He seemed embarrassed. “I turned on the child lock on my phone so that I won’t be tempted in checking out porn sites. Apparently, massage and spa are included in the filters.”

“Well, what’s the code?” I asked.

“Oh, I just inputted some random code and completely forgot about it,” he said. “That means, I can’t log on even though I want to. Removes the temptation.”

“Actually, the child safe lock follows you around even after you migrate to another phone,” he helpfully added. “It’s quite a cool feature.”

When we were dating, my husband made a promise to me to minimize his porn usage and to not drink alcohol without my consent. His answer to controlling is to just removing the temptation completely. I was NOT aware that he carried out this promise to such extent.

After finding out, I smiled. I truly love this man!

How to Fight With Your Husband

If you’re with someone, it’s inevitable that you will one day fight with them.

I personally have fought with my husband in our three years of marriage.

The biggest was during our first few months of marriage when I had a big meltdown in the middle of Ortigas Center, screaming at him and refusing to get out of the road even if it meant that I was at the risk of being hit by an incoming car.

Not my proudest moment.

But at the heat of the moment, I felt that that was a fight worth making. And if it meant dissolving our young marriage, then so be it.

What was the issue at hand?

It was that new hubby would not and could not put down his cellphone during mealtime. So even when we were having lunch, he would still be texting and Facebooking.

Hence, the meltdown.

We came up with a few rules of engagement that day. So far, in our brief marriage, these rules have kept us happy and sane. And I would like to share them to you so hopefully, your marriage/partnership will also benefit from our mistakes.

1. Keep fights clean and stay away from the Red Topics.

When we fight, we want to hurt the other person as much as they’re hurting us.

That’s why, we often go for the jugular, using vile words that we know should be off-limits, if only we can help ourselves.

They’re not bad words per se, but these are words that hurt the heart.

For example, if you know that your husband is always afraid that he cannot meet his father’s expectations, we cannot help but slide in the words, “And that’s why your father is always disappointed in you! You always fail to do what is right!”

If he had an indiscretion he was truly sorry for before, we cannot help but say, “And that’s why I can’t trust you. You cannot help but cheat on me for every girl that shows you the littlest of attention!”

If he is having trouble at work and can’t seem to catch a break, it may be words like, “And that’s why you can’t find a job. You’re a good for nothing and nobody will ever want to hire you!”

Sadly, it’s usually our loved ones that hurt us the most. Because they always know the worst thing to say. And when they speak, the words cut to the core.

For my husband, the big red no-no words are threats that I will leave him and our marriage.

Say whatever you want, but never tell him that you’re leaving him.

Discuss the topics with your husband that are off-limits and KEEP THEM OFF-LIMITS.

Stay within the topic.

If you’re fighting about his inability to call you back, keep the fight to the fact that he’s not answering his phone. Do not bring his family, his job into the mix. The more you stay on topic, the better you can in solving the problem, which is why the fight is there in the first place.

2. Do not involve other people as much as possible. Discuss the problem with your husband directly. Solve it with him directly.

Divorces and separation become more likely once other people get involved. When we tell other people our problems, they tend to butt in on the smallest of issues and petty problems become mountains.

I don’t like it when my husband complains about me to his parents. For example, I really don’t like to do the laundry, and I’m useless in housework. He knows this, and he cannot help but shake his head on my domestic ineptitude.

Sometimes, he cannot help himself.

During family dinners, he will once again mention that I don’t do the laundry. He said he meant it as a joke, but do it a couple of times and it becomes annoying.

So I told my husband to stop complaining about me to his parents. Marriage is hard enough and it’s crucial that we build our support system with the people around us. Even with my family, I build my husband up.

If there was a bad thing he did with me, I don’t go around complaining about him to other people. I deal them directly with him. Anyway, if I have the problem with him, complaining about them to other people will NOT solve the problem. If husband is the problem, only he can solve the problem.

3. Be very direct on what’s bothering you. Don’t beat around the bush.

Maybe it’s the way women are trained but we can be very passive aggressive when we’re fighting with our husbands. We don’t usually say what we want them to do, and instead, say many things that  has nothing to do with what’s bothering us.

If we are angry, we tell him to do whatever he wants, even though we want him to STOP doing what he’s doing.

And then get even angrier when he actually does it!

Ladies, let us tell them what exactly we want them to do. Men listen better to instructions, so we better be clear on what exactly we want them to do.

For me, I will usually tell him, “Stop complaining about me with your family. I only want you to say good things about me even if it kills you.”

In our house, we have the you-need-to-call-me-back rule. If we see a missed call from each other, we want them to call us back.

Keep instructions clear and specific. That way, we can get what we want.

4. Don’t ever bluff and say you will leave the marriage unless you meant it.

Many a marriages are destroyed because someone bluffs to leave the marriage, and the other person calls them out on it. Stop threatening to leave unless you’re actually ready to carry out that bluff!

It’s really annoying when you fight over petty things, speak words that wound the heart, and then threaten to leave at any time! Do that a few thousand times and eventually, your husband WILL leave you!

STOP BLUFFING AND THREATENING THAT YOU’LL LEAVE YOUR HUSBANDS IF YOU CANNOT SUSTAIN YOURSELF. There might be a day that he will leave you. And there’s nothing else you can do than cry.

A breakup is not a joke. Do not bluff and threaten to break up with someone if you really don’t mean it.

5. Admit if you’re wrong. Apologize if you are wrong.

That way, you’re not the unreasonable bitch who’s always right, even though she is wrong. Pick your fights and make sure to remain sane and reasonable, so if you really are right, your husband will concede too.

Sometimes, we always want to get our way.  We want our husbands to give in with us all the time. Otherwise, we will threaten to leave (See Rule #4). Don’t do that.

If you’re wrong, say you are wrong and apologize.

That way, if you’re right, your husband will do the same too.

6. Always end a fight with a resolution!

When we fight, we always end our fights with a resolution. This is how resolution is defined.

Finish the fight with the end in mind — in every fight, there’s always something that pissed you or him off, and you don’t want him to do it again.

Identify what is the root cause of the fight and resolve to avoid doing it again.

If there’s always a resolution to a fight, then a fight becomes worthwhile. If it stops you from getting pissed from each other, then a fight becomes a constructive fight. There’s a purpose to the fight, which is stopping you or him from doing something that upsets the other.

End every fight with a resolution, and if all fights end with a resolution that is kept, then you’re already on your way to a happy marriage.

Happy weekend everyone! Do you have any other tips on how to fight fair and square with your husband? Comment below.

Why do we only have one child?

I didn’t believe my college friend when he warned me that the second kid was the hardest to make. 

When he told me that, I was newly married and not even pregnant. How could sexy time even be a problem?

“But it only takes 5 to 10 minutes?” I exclaimed in my naïveté. “What makes it so hard?”

Now that I have my first kid, I now understand how hard it is to have the second. 

“Ask Pea when we should schedule our sexy time,” joked my husband. 

“But why should I even ask a 1-year old about our sex life?” I asked. “What does she have to do with that?”

Apparently a lot when you exclusively breastfeeding your daughter and she co-sleeps with us. 

There seems to be a conspiracy to ensure that she remains the firstborn and the only child. 

When she is awake, she is a big flurry of activity. She will ask you to read her multiple books, or play with her. Her attention is quite short so there’s a lot of mess to be expected when she’s around.

So after playing with a new toy, we’d have to clean up after her. And she will only doze off when she’s completely exhausted, and by that time, you’re completely tired as well. 

And even when you do have some energy left for some sexy time, daughter WILL wake up when it’s time to do the deed. 

For some insane reason, if you are tired, she will sleep through the night without fail. But if you are not tired, she will wake up when you attempt to touch each other.

How many times have we tried for sexy time and then find her wiggling and crying for some milk? I’ve already lost count.

So when a friend asks us why we only have one child, blame the kid. Not us. 

We have tried for a second one, with try being the important word here. But we do need time to make a baby, and once you have your first, time is such a limited resource.

It makes me wonder how the older generation managed to birth 6-10 kids at a time. For me, having a second kid is already a challenge. 

How about you? How did you manage to have a second child? And was it easy to take care of two kids when both are toddlers? What are your thoughts?

When your husband annoys you during a Coldplay concert

Years before, I told myself that if Coldplay was holding a concert in the same country, I would definitely watch it. Apparently, they’re one of the few bands that put on a great show and authentically sing in their concerts.

So imagine my surprise when Coldplay came to play in Manila. And while the tickets cost an arm and a leg, I managed to scour Php 15,000 for two silver tickets (Note: That’s more than one month of minimum wage) just to watch the show.

Now, husband is NOT a Coldplay fan. “I change the radio channel once the DJ puts them on,” he murmurs. Well, he’s not a Linkin Park fan but he did trudge along the Linkin Park concert with me when they visited.

But he’s married to a crazy wife who insists on watching Coldplay. As they say, happy wife, happy life.

So the entire day yesterday, he was murmuring and dragging his feet. We left the office at 7pm already and we arrived at SMX Concert Grounds at 9pm after walking for 1 kilometer since it was so traffic.

“Aren’t you happy that you’re married to a wife who doesn’t complain because she’s walking a kilometer away?” I chirpily asked.

“What do you mean?!” he asked. “You wanted this!!!”

 

Okay, husband was obviously not in a jolly mood. But nothing will deter me from enjoying the concert. Not even a sour husband.

We arrived 10 minutes before the show started. And while we were in the Silver section, there were still a LOT of people and we could only see the following view from where we were standing:

For Php 7,500, the view is not so impressive. But then again, a Coldplay concert is the great equalizer as there were a lot of better dressed well-to-do concert goers who are also standing like us. Here’s the crowd behind us, haha!

Now imagine one of the coolest bands to ever come to Manila playing at a pricey expense. People are singing along and moving to the beat. And guess what husband is doing?

Yup, that’s husband sitting on the floor at the Silver section of the concert, deleting his trash photos, answering emails, and Facebooking.

I was upset. I mean, given how much money I’ve spent on Coldplay, the least he can do was accept his fate and enjoy the show. Why does he have to sit on the floor to make a point?

To be honest, I wanted to get angry and pout. My heart was troubled and I couldn’t understand why husband wouldn’t like to play along especially since we’re already at the concert?

But as I began to get angry, I decided to see things from his point of view. Sure, it wasn’t his choice to watch Coldplay, and yes, he will make it seem as he’s miserable. But then again, he IS there with me watching, and he did walk 1 kilometer on foot just to make it to the start of the show.

And while he could’ve been more galant about it, honestly, fighting with him does nothing to improve the situation. He will continue to sulk even more, and he may even not want to accompany me on other crazy expensive adventures.

Anyway, we are at the show just like I wanted. So instead of being all pissed about it, why not I just enjoy the show as it’s the reason we are there in the first place?

So I did —- I sang to the songs, moved to the music, and saw Coldplay play in the Philippines for the first time ever.

And I think that’s what marriage is — it’s a series of giving, taking and compromising. Like husband, he knew he couldn’t really change my mind from going to Coldplay so he went along with it. And for me, I know that he might not enjoy it, but heck, he’s there, so let’s just enjoy the concert and have him as the driver.

So whenever people tell me how lucky I am with my husband, I can look at it in two ways. If they know how annoying husband can be at stubborn times like this, they can surely empathize with me. But if you really think about it, the fact that he is still with me against his will is still a plus for him. Hence, you can look at the positive or the negative. Your choice.

For me, I choose to see the positive. I get to watch Coldplay. My husband gets exposed to Coldplay. And in the end of the concert, he did actually put his phone away and went to get me something to drink.

At the end of the concert, I kissed his cheek and said, “Thank you for going with me to see Coldplay,” as he grumbled a little more. “You know I appreciate it when you accompany me.”

I can see him soften a bit. I think he was expecting a fight but was pleasantly surprised to not see a confrontation. “Yeah, it’s fine. As long as we don’t see Rihanna when she comes to town,” he said. “I don’t like Rihanna.”

So we’re not watching Rihanna when she comes. That’s fine. She’s not my ultimate favorite band anyway. But at least, we got to see Coldplay. Which is fine by me.

In summary, marriage is about giving and taking. You won’t always get what you want but who said that you should win every battle you experience with your partner? And while we cannot really control our partners, we can however control how we react to the situation.

We can size our partners up and fight the entire night OR we can be sweet and look at the good side, and fight for something more improtant another day.

I choose to diffuse the situation and enjoy the concert.

How about you? Would you have handled it differently?

 

Mien Bao (Bread) huo Ai (Love)?

In Taiwan, there’s a saying, “面包或爱.”

This literally mean, “bread or money.” This implied that if we’re lucky, we can have both. But if we’re not, we may have to choose between marrying for love or money.

By ourselves, we are complete romantics. The romantic fiction and rom-com movie industry wouldn’t rake in hundreds of millions of dollars if otherwise, and every little girl will dream of their own knights in shining armor.

No matter how we look, we always dream of a handsome manly man, who will swoop us off our feet, and ride us away to the sunset. And of course, it’ll be perfect if he’s a man of nobility and wealth so we never have to worry about cooking and doing the laundry anymore.

In the daytime, he is a man of respect, and everyone bows down to him. But in private, he is submissive to our needs and exists to serve us in bed. How many romantic fiction novels talk about a well ripped man whose hard abs excite and has the stamina to please us all throughout the night?

Cue in the reality with our own partners — “Husband, are we doing the deed today?” I asked him last night.

To which husband replied, “Not tonight, I’m a bit exhausted. Maybe next week after the show.”

And while we are financially comfortable and not starving, we do not live in a castle with servants to do our bidding. My clothes are the same since I got pregnant, my husband drives second-hand cars and my year’s salary can buy me ONE Hermes bag.

I went out with a man whom we shall call Steel Magnate when I was single. He was tall, single, in his mid-40s, a self-made man and was wealthy. On our date, he talked about investing in a few hectares of land where he was building a foundry.

“The deal is Php 10 billion,” he said matter of factly. He wasn’t even bragging. It was the truth.

And while we clicked, we didn’t really pursue the friendship. He didn’t understand why I should be working for my brother. For him, as a woman, I didn’t really neede to work.

And since I was at least a decade younger, I didn’t understand his current life of playing golf, hobnobing with other successful businessmen, and living the now good life. My mindset was that we still had to work for our successes. I wasn’t there yet and couldn’t let go of the nagging feeling that I must still work to achieve something.

Steel magnate was definitely the 面包. If we actually got together, life would be mighty comfortable and he can afford giving me a few Hermes bags here and there.

My husband was more of 爱.

Like many businessman’s sons, he wasn’t financially uncomfortable, but we are still poor enough that we can appreciate what a million pesos meant.

We currently manage two differing businesses, and it’s slow moving compared to Steel Magnate’s billion peso business. What billion? We are happy to have a few millions, and even then, most of our capital goes to pay our rent, overhead and labor. We are lucky if we still have some left for us.

When we bought our current office, we had to take out a 10-year business loan, and our return on investments will only come through a decade later. In short, we had to work for everything we have.

Our house was lent to us by his father, and sometimes, I worry about paying our association dues, which amounts to a few hundred pesos a year. Electricity bills surprise me, and sometimes, we wonder how lucky we are that we can pay our credit card bills on time.

But we love each other.

We make each other happy.

And we have a lovely family via a daughter whom we believe is cute. Hahaha.

So looking back at the question, 面包或爱, I think the answer is, there is happiness in marrying for love. But there is even more happiness in marrying someone whom you love, and ain’t too poor. Not too rich or poor. Just good enough.

How about you? Did you marry for love or money? Tell me your thoughts.

A Sister’s Advice to a Brother on his Wedding Day

Dear Brother,

Welcome to the married club!

Finally, you’ve decided to get married! And if you wonder why I’ve been less opinionated as of late, know I do so because I wanted you to make the most important decision in your life — who you marry — by yourself. Granted that you’ve been with (wife’s name) for so many years, I am sure you’ve made an informed choice. You’ve thought about it long and hard, and decided that she is the right person for you.

Marriage can be a burden or a blessing depending on who you picked as a spouse. If your choice is correct, you’ll think you’re the luckiest guy in the world. Dad made the best choice of his life by marrying mommy. Without mom’s help, I doubt his business would not have flourished nor could we have ended up where we are now. A lot of what daddy became was because of mom. I hope that your now wife can help you in a similar way that mom helped dad. And not just in business, but in life and family as well.

Being married to the right person can be such a relief.

It feels like coming home. You finally found your partner, who can help you carry life’s ups and downs. You have a close confidant you can constantly discuss things with, a helper you can share life’s load with, and a wife who can be a great mother to your children. It’s a very lovely feeling, and it feels like hitting the jackpot. I sincerely hope you feel the same way about your now wife. I know my husband that feels very lucky with me, hahaha!

To be honest, I was quite impressed with how (wife’s name) handled herself during the wedding planning. I was expecting to get a Bridezilla who would insist in getting her own way. We both know of brides who insist on getting a particular type of flower in her wedding. One of my friends insisted on a Php 250,000 wedding dress to be worn only for a few hours. But (wife’s name) seemed to be far from it. She was reasonable of the budget, thorough when booking suppliers, and kept a cool sense of humor despite many hiccups. It’s a great preview to what marriage with her can be, and if she can keep it up, then you’re in for a real treat.

Despite our rocky beginning, husband and I are very lucky to have found each other. To be fair, we don’t fight very much. The last meltdown we had was during our first two months of marriage — when he insisted on using his phone during mealtime — and we’ve had minor disagreements here and there. But that’s also because we don’t fundamentally disagree too much. We share similar views on working, parenting, sense of humor, and living our lives. The fact that husband had one failed marriage also made him more flexible with dealing with me. What’s more, after 16 sessions of pre-marital counselling, we’ve realized it’s better to be married than to be right. Regardless, when we fundamentally disagree, we do have strong shouting matches that last 2-3 hours. Thankfully, this doesn’t happen very much, so we’re happier than most married people out there.

Why? Well, while other people may see only two people with strong personalities coming together, husband and I actually do a lot of day-to-day compromising. We get to the point and tell each other a) what’s troubling is, and b) what we want the person to do.

We talk about our issues directly, and resolve them on the spot. Once we resolve the issue, we come up with a list of things NOT to do so the issue won’t be repeated.

I hope you and (wife’s name) communicate well. Marriage is for life, and people who can’t work out their differences end up with miserable marriages. And it’s awful to be stuck in marriage you don’t see eye to eye with. Many marriages are like that by the way. Don’t believe all happy posts that Facebook shows you. Happy marriages are rarer than you think, and the two people have nobody to blame but themselves on the disintegration of their marriages.

To have a smooth marriage, you have to understand and accept two facts of life: 1) Hindi na magbabago ang asawa mo dahil nagpakasal kayo. If anything, maglalala pa ang bad habits niya, and 2) When you fight, you must quickly figure out how important the matter is to you or her, and kung kanino mas importante yung issue, let that person have their way.

Look, (Wife’s Name) will not really going to change that much. You’re not going to change that much. The more you accept each other’s faults, the more peaceful life will be.

Remember the stuff that annoys you about (wife’s name) when you were dating? They won’t go away. Anything that irritated you before — her indecisiveness, her utter dependence on you, her need to constantly diet to avoid gaining weight, and her irritation towards her mom’s favouritism, among others — it’s just going to get worse. People don’t really change because they get married. In fact, they get even worse!

For example, husband was surprised that I hated to do housework. He thought given my mom was masipag, I would be the same thing. He thought I would change despite the fact that I told him early on that I didn’t like to do housework. Never did he realize that I would be this lazy. So as you can see, this laziness was an awful surprise for him after we got married!

But smart husband, he accepted this as my fundamental flaw: I’m okay with working in the office and balancing the books, but I’m just weak at housework. I simply can’t be bothered.

Now, what if husband insisted that I start doing the laundry and cleaning the toilet? If that happens, then we will fight every day. But since he knows I’m lazy when it comes to housework, he himself picks up the slack and does the laundry (if his mom is away), and cleans the bathroom regularly. Edi walang away, right?

Fact is, even though after marriage, you won’t change much, and (wife’s name) won’t change much. Deal with it. So instead of trying to change each other, know which battles you can win or lose. Work around each other’s weaknesses, and start complementing each other now, weaknesses and all. After dating each other for 7+ years, you already know what (wife’s name) is like, and given you’ve made your decision na, it’s better to accept her, weaknesses and all. Buhat buhat mo na ‘yan habang buhay.

Two, a happy marriage is all about giving and taking. You can’t win every time. You can’t lose every time either. Marriage is literally an endless number of give and take.

One great thing about husband is that when all is said and done, he admits he is wrong when he is wrong. Likewise, I admit if I am wrong when I am wrong. Marriage is a series of decisions you will jointly make, and battles to be fought, but at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself how important an issue is to both of you, and is it worth going to bed angry?

If husband feels an issue is more important to him, I usually let him get his way. If I feel that an issue is more important to me, then I insist I get my way. Take for example the Santorini sunset — even though he thinks a sunset is the same all around the world, I wanted to see the sunset. It was important FOR ME. And there will be a lot of resentment if I don’t get my way. So in the end, a sunset is not worth upsetting your wife over. Spending an afternoon just to see the sunset will not kill him. And it would make his wife really happy. So at the end of the day, we still saw the stupid sunset.

Remember the sunset story when you fight with (wife’s name). Ask yourself, who finds this issue most important? If it’s really important, fight for it. If you don’t care either way, let her have her way. And that’s why while I got my sunset, husband and I still ended up eating Chinese food multiple times in our honeymoon. I prefer eating local food but Chinese food is more important to hubby. So I let him get his way.

As you can see, you win some, you lose some. And that’s what a happy marriage is all about — knowing which battles to win, and which battles to let the other side win.

Marriage is growing up, and starting to be more responsible for your decisions. If you make good decisions, your family will benefit. If not, your family will suffer.

After I got married, mom stopped paying for my Globe and credit card bills. I started paying for our condo’s association dues, electricity bills, gasoline and water bills, and boy, do these bills rack up! I remember shaking my head in surprise just how expensive marriage can be! Whereas before, I was happy spending money online shopping, I now have to be conscious about expenses because every decision I make impacts us financially.

It’s the same as decision making. Given that I married into husband’s family, I feel that I have to be more careful in making the right decisions for our family. Every right decision I make in life and in business propel us forward. Every wrong decision steps us back. Marriage is a conscious step towards adulthood. No longer can you live irresponsibly and have your parents save you. You’re married. Now start being an adult.

That’s why, you have to think carefully on how decisions will impact you and your family. It’s no longer just about you. It’s about your family as well. Make sure that you and (wife’s name) share the same definitions of what the “right” decision is. Seek counsel and think carefully before deciding. It’s your job to help each other make the right decisions. And when both of you make more good decisions than bad, and then the life you will lead will be more stress-free.

Always appreciate your family and never forget your roots.

Mom only has both of us left. And even though you and (wife’s name) are married and living in (name of home), please do not forget mommy, or let (wife’s name) overstep her.  I know a wife’s happiness is important, but a good spouse also understands that we are first and foremost good children, and must do right to our parents.

We both know naman that we are lucky that our mommy will not ask for too much or even abuse. She makes good judgment and without her, we are nothing. As for me, I have already talked to husband and we both agreed how much we appreciate mommy. We are happy to take care of her whenever she needs us. Husband is happy when he sees mommy happy playing with (granddaughter’s name).

But knowing mommy’s pride, she may not want to ask for my help, and instead will ask for your help. Please be there for her as well when she needs you. Always welcome her with open arms and make time for her no matter what happens. And while we know that we are a good spouse to our partners, we are her children beforehand, and we owe everything to her. This is an obligation I am more than happy to keep and I look forward to ensuring that mom will be comfortable and happy for the rest of her life. Agree?

Even though you are married, we will still always be there for you no matter what.

You know you can always count on me to be by your side if you need me. You can always count on my help. Never be afraid or shy to call. Mom has talked about regular dinner outs for just the two of us. Let’s make it happen.

If we don’t look out for each other, who else will? While we think the best from our marriage, I believe that the fact that husband knows you and mom are behind me no matter what, lets him respect me more as an individual. He knows he cannot bully me too much. I think that’s the importance of family backing. There is strength in numbers, and even though it’s important to rely on your spouse in marriage, many times, you still have to rely beyond your marriage, and that’s where family comes in.

I am very lucky to have you and mom behind me. Marriage is hard, and being part of another family apart from your own isn’t easy. But know that you are not alone, and as you are behind me, we are also behind you supporting you. It is important that your spouse appreciates that. Maybe that’s also why husband loves being married to me. He not only loves me and daughter, but also the mother-in-law who cooks steak and buys him toys, as part of the package. That’s what a good marriage is all about.

I hope this letter gives you relief and happiness on your wedding day. While dad could’ve cared less of me getting married, I am ultimately happy with my choice of a life partner.

I remember being in the hotel room with husband after our wedding. We were just talking about the eventful day, and laughing about his boo boo. It was very relaxing to be with husband. As we talked, we both realized at the same time just how lucky we are to have found each other. We may not be perfect. We have our faults. And it’s truly a miracle for both of us to get married (haha, you didn’t help!).

But there we are, married and finally together after a tumultuous courtship. And it’s a great feeling being married to the person God meant for you to be with.

I wish you and (wife’s name) will share the same fate. I pray and hope your decision is a good one, and here’s to a happy marriage and a lifetime of adventure with your new wife! I love you!

Much love,
Bonita