Wife Advice: Support the Husband in all his Endeavors

We are all at the Manila Autosalon to support the husband.

He has a booth at the show, and we have come to give our full support on a Sunday afternoon.

I’ve asked my three year old to pass out pamphlets, and even yaya is there to help. There she is, passing out stickers and marketing collaterals:

Even my mother is part of the festivities. She’s in her 70s but so far, she’s still a trooper:

To be honest, I’m a bit tired.

I’ve been working 6 days this week and had experienced many discouragements at work. Today was a day I could zone out and let my mind breathe a little to try to forget all my problems.

But the Manila Autosalon is merely once a year. It’s the largest car show in the country right now and husband invested quite a bit of money on this marketing effort to promote his company’s new product, ECU reflash.

How can I selfishly insist that my wants and needs be met, instead of supporting him especially at this critical time? 

So we are all here to support.

We gather our strength, take a deep breath, and show up. Not only do we show up, but we really show up. We give pamphlets, buy the workers food and drinks and talk to customers.

Because my husband needs us, and with us there, work becomes an enjoyable family effort.

Who says that work and family should be separate?

Husband appreciates this.

He gives me a hug and tell me that he’s glad that we are here for him.

Sure, he’s tired too from four days of talking and entertaining customers. His feet hurt and his voice sore.

But at least we are all here, and he doesn’t need to worry about us anymore.

He doesn’t have to worry about our kid cause she’s here with us, nor does he have to worry about me because I obviously support what he’s doing. I know it’s for our sakes and his family.

What’s more, I don’t have to worry about him and his eyes wandering. Hahaha! There’s a lot of beautiful models at any car show… not that I’m ever threatened. 🙂

A beautiful car show model.

Later on, we will eat a late dinner as a family.

We will talk about our day, he will tell me about his achievements and I will listen to him and give him advice on how he can even do better next time.

Supporting him brings us closer.

We create more shared memories, and on the plus side, husband feels that we are more of a team.

And at the end, that’s what makes marriages stronger and deeper — the fact that you’re a team, working for a common good, building each other up and encouraging each other.

Rest can come next week. I can always find time to rest and recharge.

But my husband needs us. Given that we have a small business, he needs all the help he can get.

So we are all here.

“I’m glad I married you,” he said. “You make me a better man.”

And all of us are happier as a result.

When your 3 Year Old gets Stubborn

My daughter refuses to finish her lunch because she wants to open up her new gift, a Cinderella castle made of Lego.

So she’s at the floor moping, whining and refusing to eat her lunch.

It’s dirty on the floor, but she doesn’t care. She wants to play Lego with her daddy, and SHE MUST BE FOLLOWED.

Mind you, she just turned 3 last December.

This is going to be fun.

So, we stick it in: No reward if you don’t listen to Mommy and daddy.

She goes around the living room.

She plays with other toys.

She goes to the kitchen.

Crosses her arms and pouts several times.

We push her to eat.

No banana.

Lord, she is stubborn.

She tries to stall, cry, whine and delay the process.

We stick it out.

Today’s our rest day and we have nowhere to go.

Finally, she eats.

She eats hesitantly, still goes around the dining area, but she eats.

And finishes her corn.

“Now Cinderella castle?” she asks me.

“Sure, Cinderella castle,” I replied.

It was an old gift given to her by her grandmother. It’s really for her anyway.

She is happy.

Now, she and her dad play the Lego castle this afternoon.

Sigh, since when did 3 year old kids start to reason out like this? When I was a kid, my dad’s rule was law and everyone simply listened and followed.

My 3 year old has her own mind. She wants to be followed. And she sulks when she doesn’t get her way.

“Mommy and daddy fight with me,” she would say.

Well, she’s 3.

We make the rules, and kids must follow them. And if they don’t, we won’t lift a single finger and give them what they want.

Looks like it’s working. 😇😍❤️

To more fights and adventures ahead!

I Work: Am I a Failure as a Wife and Mother?

It’s very frustrating to be a working wife and mother.

Society still demands you to fulfill your duties as a doting yaya to your child, a neat maid to your household (which includes laba, plantsa and taga-linis ng bahay) and an eager sex partner and a sweet companion to your husband, DESPITE also working at least 8 hours in the daytime to bring home the bacon since husband’s income is not enough to smoothly sustain the family.

After working the entire day, one would wish to have some time to kick back, relax, and do nothing but zone out.

But no. At the end of the day, the husband still wants food on the table (instead of you ordering out), the baby still requires attention, the laundry still needs washing, and the house still needs cleaning.

“Such is a woman’s lot,” my more traditional mom would say. “How can you expect your husband to do woman’s work?”

I saw this meme today which perfectly explains a modern woman’s problem:

This meme perfectly describes me: My husband has changed our baby’s diaper a few thousand times since she was born. He does our family’s laundry since we were married. So apparently, based on this meme, I am a complete and utter failure as his wife and partner. 😦

Great…. just great.

Nobody notices that I have worked all day to ensure the money still comes flowing in. Nobody notices how good I am at work. Nobody notices that the baby is still alive, and my husband has received more comforts in life married to me than not.

Nooooo… the only thing society sees? 

My husband bathing our baby and changing her diaper. My husband doing the laundry, while his wife plops in bed and relaxes. Basically, all society sees is a man, doing woman’s work.

What a tragedy, the worst fate a man should have.

It is a tragedy to be a woman nowadays. A Christian blog writer created a viral post after making a chart on whether women should maintain careers or not. In her chart, “Should Mothers Have Careers,” she makes a strong play that it’s better for women to give up their careers and become full-time home makers for the following reasons:

I am the woman described on the left side of the chart. The Career Woman:

• Who is always away from home the entire day
• Whose childcare is outsourced to others, namely the Lola or the yaya
• Who comes home exhausted, plops in bed and watches Netflix while the home stays in disarray
• Whose dinner is usually microwaved or take out
• Who reads a book before putting a child to bed
• Whose weekends is simply buying basic goods for the week ahead
• Whose intimacy is limited to once a week if any given both she and her husband is tired (hence, the only child problem)

The only thing I did not agree with is the last part — I do NOT believe that my life is falling apart, and I do NOT believe I am a failure as a wife and mother.

It is because of such pessimistic messages that discourages women to be the best people we hope to be. What is the point of studying so hard, striving to get the best jobs, only to give them up once you have a baby or two?

“Yes, I am a proud housewife,” one would say. “Family first. I know my priorities. What is money if I can’t do my best for my kids?”

That’s the problem — We assume that we have to be there for our husband and kids 24/7 in order for us to be happy. As if servicing them is our lifelong noble goal, and we do not deserve to find happiness in our own terms. 

I can’t see that for myself. Not yet, and maybe not ever. Who says that one’s life path should be a full time homemaker and mother in order to be happy?

Why should this be the only path?

Men work all the time, and they’re NOT ostracized for putting their career first.

So why are women judged on a different standards and are seen as failure for not putting their kids and husbands first?

Here’s the clincher, especially in today’s society, what if the woman has better earning power than the men? Does this mean that the man still needs to take the responsibility of being the family’s breadwinners just because society says so? Or, should women take up the mantle and the men stay home with the kids?

I strongly disagree that women should only stay at home. I was not trained that way by my family — My dad has trained me to study hard and earn money — and I do not think I am a failure for never really knowing how to clean the bathroom, do the laundry or iron the clothes.

Why should I do it especially since I can always outsource it to someone else who can do it better than I am?

It’s hard to be a woman. Society deems you a failure if you do not take on the household works. Society thinks you’re a bad wife if your husband takes on what should be your job. But I don’t think that should be the case.

The Bible tells us of The Wife of Noble Character in Proverbs 31:10-31.

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

^10 [a]A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

I do not read that a good and noble woman should cook, do the laundry and clean the house. Instead, the actual words is that she “provides” food for her family and give portions to the servants. 

As a working woman, I have provided food for my household. I have paid for our unit’s association dues, our family’s electricity bill and most expenses in our household. Like my husband, I provide for us and make life easier for him and our daughter

The Proverbs 31 woman is a good businessman. She buys a field and plants a vineyard. She EARNS for the family. Her trading is profitable and she works day and night. Even during times of cold, she provides wool for her family. Wool is expensive and requires money. The Bible didn’t say she asked money from her husband. Instead, the Bible said that the woman provided.

Because of who she is, how she acts, and what she does, her husband holds his head up eye and is respected in society.  “Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.” Do you think a man will be respected if his wife was a harlot and an embarrassment?

Actually, reading Proverbs 31, I am encouraged and renewed. The Bible does not look down on busy working women. In fact, it is full of praise, which is appreciated.

I pray that I do not lose too much hope and give up my ministry.

My work provides jobs to at least 40 staff members, mostly women, and I feel that this is how I give back to the Lord. I have seen so many women uplift their lives after being provided a stable job that gives them good income. Many of my employees came from broken families. They were beaten and cheated on by their good for nothing husbands, their children left in the care of their elderly parents. My role here is to keep them employed in the hopes of empowering them to make better decisions for themselves and their families.

I believe that my daughter will benefit in seeing that Mommy is working.

I think being a home maker is equally wonderful and noble, but I do wish my daughter to find her fulfillment in pursuing her passions (which is hopefully income generating), than merely being a cost center to her husband when she grows up.

I wish that Society will be more forgiving to women.

Men have started to lose their manliness and have relegated to the sidelines. More and more men stay on the sidelines of unemployment and depend on their families and their working wives to make money for the family. It is my hope that society can be but fair to women and let them also relax after a hard day’s work especially if they now are bringing home the bacon.

I hope that women would be more supportive of each other.

Everybody’s life and desires are different, so it’s best to respect each other’s life decisions. Kudos to you in wanting to be a stay at home mother, but can you please also be supportive to me as I choose a different path from you?

Lastly, I know I am making the right decision for me.

My father has trained me to make money. I am equally contributing to our household. My daughter is still alive and is doing well in school. My husband grumbles I have less time for him, and wants me to be more service-oriented, but finds a way to show appreciation after seeing the alternative.

I am a working wife and mother. And I am good at it. I hope others would find encouragement to know that it’s okay to work and still be a good mother and partner to your kids. 

Happy weekend!

 

 

 

 

Dear Cousin: A letter when everyone hates your GF

November 3, 2018

Dear Cousin,

You were surprised on why your relatives have judged your girlfriend so harshly after seeing her for the first time last week. You probably are asking on how they can be so critical of her without even knowing her, and how can they know better than you, you who have already been dating her for a few months.

I am writing to ask your forgiveness if you have been hurt. I know that by presenting her, you took a risk that your relatives may or may not like her. You still took that chance though, because you felt that she was already the right girl for you. In your mind, if she was good enough for you, then she should be good enough for everyone. Anyway, it was her, not us, who make you the happiest. Isn’t that what really matters?

Congrats cousin — you now join the ranks of many a star-crossed couples who face an opposing challenging world. Like Romeo and Juliet, any hardship will only make your love stronger, and your evil relatives will soon be proven wrong. It’s your life anyway, and as an adult, you can make your own damn decision. To be honest, I don’t even think you cared about whatever anyone thought, so long as she makes you happy. And to be quite frank, I think you’re right. The most important thing was that you like her, and to hell with everyone else.

Before you get even more upset, cool down a bit.

The initial disapproval is just a test. It can be heart breaking, but it doesn’t mean it’s the end. There is still hope that minds will be changed, and it all depends on how you react to such possibly devastating news. You had a right to be angry of course. As I’ve said, it’s not our business to meddle in your love life. But I would rather look at it in a positive way, and use this experience to truly test whether or not she is the right girl for you.

Our relatives was against Husband too when I first introduced them. They thought he was plain rude, a womanizer, and an irresponsible son who have constantly made bad judgments throughout his youth. The fact that he was annulled at a young age didn’t make matters worse. He would say the wrong things all the time, and offend everyone. We couldn’t even finish our pre-engagement counselling with Uncle Eee and Auntie Dee as they couldn’t believe that he was a true Christian. He had anger and alcohol issues. My brother felt he was not good enough as a man for me. My brother even slammed his hand on the wall after I told him to back off. Auntie Bee implored my mom to meet Husband’s first wife, and it was through this arrangement that I met See. It was initially awkward, but I am glad I met her. It put a lot of their concerns to rest.

Relatives do this because they love us. Sure, they worry because whoever we pick will taint our bloodline, but I also do believe from the bottom of my heart that they criticize so that we will as well. When we’re in love, we still wear rose-colored glasses and throw our cautions into the wind. That’s how infatuation work, and it can be a dangerous thing. It blinds us to our partner’s weaknesses and make bad character traits look like cute quirks. We forgive our partner’s dangerous habits easily and say they don’t matter, and that they will change. That it’s okay if our partner argues with us in a destructive and disrespectful manner, or if our partner’s family is crazy and dysfunctional. Anyway, we are marrying HER and not them, so these things doesn’t matter.

Oh please, let’s not delude ourselves.

If you are irritated with her, these things will irritate you even more through time. If she gets angry easily, she will be hot tempered once you get married. If she keeps on complaining about her life, she will also complain about you, and that’s unhealthy. These things will never go away because they already make who she is. If you don’t like her family, remember that they brought her up and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. If they’re dysfunctional, she’s cuckoo too but you just can’t see it.

That’s why we date.

The main goal of dating is to find out whether the (wo)man we love is truly the right person for us. Through the time we spend together, we see if they can make us truly happy beyond the dating stage, and whether they will make good partners, spouses, and mothers/fathers.

You say that she is already everything you need and want in a woman. Okay, prove it. Show us that your love is strong and unwavering. That she makes you a better person, and that life is much better with her around. That she will be very loving and caring towards you, and will not fight with you or ask you to isolate yourselves from your family and friends. The right woman should bring you closer to your family despite initial misunderstandings, not turn you against each other.

It takes humility and maturity to accept harsh criticism, ponder upon them, and to see whether it is something to be concerned about. It takes wisdom to respect the views of elders, even when we don’t agree with it. It is not bad to ask, “Why don’t they like her?” instead of attacking defensively and saying, “Who do you think you are to not like her? You don’t even know her.”

Honestly speaking cousin, it’s your life. And it’s not really anyone’s business to comment on who you choose to come into your life. As you’re now working and have your own income, your relatives have nothing that you want and they can all go to hell for all you care.

But before you make angry snap judgment, take a moment to really ask yourself why your girlfriend isn’t liked? What was it about her that everyone saw that they felt made her not a good match for you? Why did they think that by choosing her, you would be less happier in the future than if you choose someone else? Was it something she wore, something she said, or the way they acted that revealed to them something they felt would not be good for you in the long run? The assumption is that your relatives loved and cared for you. So what was it that they were warning you against? And how can they have seen this in just one meeting?

In Chinese, there’s a word, “看人” or “Kwa lang.” This is a skill that’s honed by meeting different types of people and knowing their stories. My dad was allegedly very good at this. Through just one meeting, he can already make a snap judgment about a person, and it was almost always correct. This uncanny ability was able to enrich him as he can decide very quickly whether this was a person who you could do business with, or who will fool you. I was afraid of this skill, as he oftentimes had an opposing view about people I was friends with. And it bothered me that in time, he was oftentimes proven right in his judgment.

What was it that everyone saw in her that made them feel that she was not the right person for me? Why would they say that while it’s my choice, I might end up unhappier if I ended up with her? What did they see that I cannot?

I think these are good questions to ask. I had asked the same questions when I dated Husband. To be fair, our relatives were correct in their assessment: There were many reasons on why Husband was not the right person for me, and that I deserved better. To be fair, he got rid of the drinking (alcohol) before we got married, so that was one burden off my back. He’s also changed so much since we married. He’s also proven that he’s a terrific father after Baby came along.

But I think that it was good we went through this exercise before we got married. Left by ourselves and without elderly counsel, I don’t think our marriage would have been stronger. Even Husband had to change before he married me, and it was because I demanded that he should.

Though it was an uncomfortable time for everyone, I am still glad that our relatives criticized him then, he still kept an open mind with that. He didn’t blacklist or hate them, nor wasn’t he angry at them for saying such mean things about him. Instead, he understood and tried to prove everyone wrong. What should have destroyed us just made us stronger. What he is right now is due to the trials we went through as a couple. If he wasn’t a good partner then, he was a good partner now because of our relatives’ feedback. And I am very thankful and blessed as a result.

At the end of the day, it’s your life.

You get to decide who you allow inside your life, and who to remove from your life. And before you make any snap decisions on removing your relatives from yours just because they don’t like the girl you’re dating, ask yourself if it’s just your relatives who don’t like her. Does your parents like her, like really like her? Does your friends who have known you for decades like her, as in really like her? Is she like your mother, Auntie Edwina? Will she make a good wife, mother and life partner?

Now, ask yourself WHY.

Reflection is a gift that keeps on giving.

Date her if you must.

Marry her too if you think she’s the best girl for you now and forever.

But choosing the (wo)man you will marry is the most important decision any person has to make in their lives. Therein that one decision lays your happiness, your luck, your future, and your children’s future.

If you choose her, still invite us to the engagement and wedding. Blood runs thicker than water, and it’s laughable and silly if you discard your relatives just because of a woman.

But if you can, pray. Think very carefully. Ask yourself why. Ask other people why. Therein lies the answer. Then decide accordingly.

Good luck, cousin. This is your first time to be in love, and hopefully, it won’t be your last. May you make the right decision for yourself, and may she make you very happy if you do choose her. We wish you only the best in whatever life has to offer.

Big hugs,

Cousin Bonita

How I Met my Husband

We met via e-Harmony.

Yes, our love story is a testimony that online dating works, and works beautifully.

I was single, 33 years old, and fresh out of a breakup from a 2.5 year old relationship that blindsided me.

He was 36, a notorious playboy over the last decade, and has been searching fruitlessly for love that would his parents would approve.

I found a sponsored article that asked whether someone was The One for you. The article had many points that provided some clarity on my brother’s relationship problems, and alongside this article was a “REGISTER FOR FREE” ad for e-Harmony.

Thinking I had nothing to lose, I signed up for the experience.

What’s great about the site was that it was anonymous, and it asked you to answer a personality test that allowed the system to match you to someone that fits your personality.

According to eHarmony, “eharmony is the first service within the online dating industry to use a scientific approach to matching highly compatible singles. eharmony’s matching is based on using its 29 DIMENSIONS® model to match couples based on features of compatibility found in thousands of successful relationships.”

Unlike other sites, it only showed your profile to your matches. You can state your preference on the type of person you liked. It was nice that the only thing others can see was my name.

I cited I wanted someone who was tall, was a Christian, Chinese and from Hongkong, Philippines or Singapore. I figured it was an interesting concept and was worth a try.

Little did I know, my future husband was signing up as well.

His sister was able to successfully find love online as well, so he thought he’d want to give it a try.

My future husband wanted someone who was a Christian, a non-smoker, Chinese and lived 20 kilometers from his house.

I was okay with meeting men from all over as I lived in Hong Kong, Singapore, Taiwan and the United Kingdom.

Given his location preference, I was one of his two matches from the site.

I on the other hand had around 90+ eligible men to choose from! Wohoo!

The less picky you are, the more matches you will have!

As I was the better looking one out of his only two matches, my now husband sent me a nudge and requested to see my photo:

eHarmony sent the notice straight to my mailbox. It was August 2012.

What initially attracted me was his honesty.

Husband was very honest, very direct, and oftentimes, tactless. He doesn’t really lie and would tell the truth if you ask for it. There is no sugar coating with him. Black is black and if politeness indicates that he is to say white, he would still say it is black.

His unfiltered mess both attracts and repels depending on who you talk to, and yet, I found it quite refreshing.

From the get go, he was open about his first failed marriage, and that the annulment was clean and there was no way they were getting back together. He has no bad words about his ex-wife, only citing they remained friends and in civil terms.

We exchanged tons of messages, never really talking about anything confidential but open about educational and family background, our interests, and what we do.

We had common friends but didn’t know it yet.

The only thing I knew was that this guy was different, quite intelligent, and very interesting.

I looked forward to reading his emails and learning more about him.

From the initial emails, I learned where he went to school (it was my mother’s school), graduated with a degree in Engineering in one of Manila’s better schools, and his family went to a Christian church.

In truth, I think that maybe it is God’s plan to let us meet each other this way.

If I met my husband in a car show, I would have found him too strong, too confident and too in-your-face. As we only had words to rely on, we got to know each other better from a non-physical standpoint.

When my husband said he liked me for my brains, it was because of weeks of emailing each other back and forth.

Here was the catch —- to exchange messages, each of us had to pay USD 63.00 for a 3-month subscription.

Intrigued, we both gladly paid the USD 63.00 from each of our sides. This is how eHarmony makes money, ladies and gentlemen.

But to my husband, “It was the best thing my USD 63.00 has ever purchased in my life.”

THE FIRST DATES

After a month of emailing and then texting, we finally met up.

Our first date was in this casual steak place in Pasig and we talked for hours. Unlike my dates with other men when I felt like an amused observer, time with my now husband went by quite fast.

I don’t really know what we talked about really, but most likely it’s about our college days and my times abroad, and for him working for the family business and his first marriage.

On our second date, I met his sister and her husband, both expats from Shanghai. At that time, coincidentally, they came by in Manila for a visit.

In between dates, we texted and talked to each other on the phone.

I enjoyed talking to him.

We had the same wavelength and can discuss multiple topics from American gossip, to politics, to car shows to wall climbing and keeping fit.

In November 2012, we became a couple. On June 2014, we got married, and have been happily married ever since.

We have a daughter who is almost 3 who is the light of our lives.

Since then, I have been a fierce endorser of online dating.

We both think it’s an incredible discovery, and it’s the best USD 63.00 we’ve ever spent.

Who knew we would meet each other via an American dating app? Who knew that while we had mutual friends, it was this app that brought us together.

So if you’re single and looking for love, never lose hope.

Try eHarmony.

We did, and we’re so very glad that we did. 🙂

As a working mom, do you get angry or annoyed when the non-working moms say “I left my career to raise my child”? How do you manage this situation?

My response: “Good luck! I hope it turns out to be a good decision for you.”

I honestly think not working is a luxury.

It means that someone else, not you, is bringing food on the table.

As children increasingly become expensive given education, food, upbringing, etc., there really has to be someone who brings home the bacon.

Usually it’s the husband.

However, I personally do not like to be completely and financially dependent on a man.

Yes I know my husband is wonderful, but seriously, it’s my life we are talking about. Our family and mine.

Here are the problems in depending on someone else for financial support?

What if my husband loses his job?

So he has to be stuck in his job because he needs food on the table. He will resent me for forcing him to work.

What if my husband cheats on you?

How can a woman live if she has kids and no means of financial support?

What if your husband dies unexpectedly?

So now you have to force yourself to leave your kids and go back to work? How high will be your salary after being out of the workforce for 20 years?

Life surprises us. I don’t want to be caught off guard. I want to be ready.

A friend was a stay-at-home wife.

She met her husband in university.

After they graduated, they both worked.

When it was obvious the man’s career was doing better than hers, he encouraged her to quit her job and be a stay-at-home wife.

She supported him through his career, and moved their family from the Philippines to Taiwan to New York.

She is in her early 50s now, and she discovered that her husband who became the head of a business division, was cheating on her with someone he worked with.

Angry and insulted, she confronted him.

He just laughed at her and challenged her to leave.

All the money was made by him, managed by him and dispensed by him.

Literally she had no money, no job, weak working experience.

She didn’t leave.

She couldn’t leave.

She doesn’t know what to do. She had nowhere to go, nobody to help and no money for legal action.

Thats what happens when you’re financially dependent on someone else all your life.

I personally don’t like to hand over my life to someone else.

I think of my future and my my child’s future.

Given that I am equally capable and very much hire-able, I want to financially secure myself and my kids.

Because I don’t want to be placed in a position where I am with a guy just because he brings home the bacon.

I want to have the freedom to leave if he gets abusive.

I want to have the money for better childcare.

I want my children to go to better schools.

I want my children to see how hard I work for us.

I want my children to know it’s possible to work and still love them at the same time.

So good luck.

And from the bottom of my heart, I really hope giving up your career is truly the right decision for you and your family.

How a Motorcycle Led to Infidelity

It all started with a motorcycle.

Our driver wanted to buy a brand new motorcycle. The price tag was 6x his salary but since it was a 2-years to pay deal at Php 3,500 a month payment.

That’s around 23% of his monthly salary.

“How can he afford it?” I said. “That’s a lot of cash out. A preloved bike would cost just half the amount.”

“It’s okay,” my husband consoled me. “Guys always want something that’s pogi (handsome). His wife is working anyway, so they can very well afford it.”

So our driver bought the bike.

Every month, he is forced to pay the installment or forfeit the bike.

As expected, money became tight.

When money becomes tight, the wife became more of a nagger. This usually happens when you have a kid and another one on the way.

It became an unhappy home. Who wants a pregnant wife who screams at you all the time?

Then my husband gave the driver a postpaid line. “To make sure he has load so I can reach him the whole day.”

Great — so now the driver has load and Internet. 

Understandably, given his unhappy home, the driver found excitement via messaging women from Facebook. Since his boss was paying for his load, our driver could now flirt with abandon.

Whereas Internet used to cost him Php 50 for three days, it was now free. So our driver found old loves, created fake accounts, and messaged them online.

Apparently, one believed that he was in an unhappy marriage and boinked him. “It’s okay,” our driver winked to his coworker. “I used protection this time.”

Our driver came to a point that he would lie about his work schedule. He usually gets off early at 3pm on school days. His wife didn’t know. So he would spend late afternoons chasing after women.

Of course, one day, he got caught. 

Everyone does get caught eventually.

For our driver, it was a message sent by his girlfriend to his phone that his wife happened to see.

All hell broke loose — he was kicked out of the house. Cried a bit. And his children got into the mess because the mother told the kids that their father didn’t love them because he chose her over them.

He took two days off to solve his family problem.

He was a lot quieter.

The wife forgave him, only to kick him out once again after she caught him with a second Facebook account, the one with the chicks.

Oh well, so now he has an unhappy home.

And I want to tell my husband, “I told you so.” 

But what for?

We all know where the problem lay. He was happier when he didn’t have the freaking phone, load, and brand new motorcycle.

It’s a bunch of wrong personal decisions that brought him to an unhappy home, a reduced bank account, and instability.

“Well, it was an unhappy home anyway,” my husband said.

No, it wasn’t.

He was happier when he didn’t have enough money.

He was happier when he commuted to work.

He was happier when he didn’t have a phone to find a sex buddy.

He was happier when he didn’t have free internet.

As bosses, we need to be more vigil in giving our people liberties that are inevitably harmful to them. If we care about our staff, we need to be more careful on how one bad decisions end up to the other.

The unhappy home started with an expensive acquisition and led to a broken family.

Next time, we should do better in becoming good bosses to our staff.

 

Suggestion: Let’s Remove the Word, “Dapat” from our Vocabulary

We have to get rid of “Dapat” from our vocabulary.

In English, “Dapat” means “Should” and herein lies the crux of all our problems.

With just a single word, “Dapat or should” we place all our dreams and expectations. Only to be crushed when people disappoint us. Or when things don’t go our way.

How are we a victim of this cruel word?

To our bosses, you want to shout to them, “You should open your eyes and see how good I am for your company. And you should reward me greatly for tolerating your idiosyncrasy. If without me, what are you?”

To our husband, we tell them, “You should appreciate me more. You shouldn’t look at other women. You should be grateful I married you.”

To our children, we instruct them, “You should listen to me more. You should excel in school. You should understand that what I do is for you.”

To our workers, we expect them, “You should not dilly-dally, and just do your jobs. You should do your work without me overlooking your shoulder. You should not steal. You should be on time. You should not complain.”

No wonder life disappoints us. We expect life to be a certain way, and it isn’t. 

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I am a victim of the word, “Should.” 

I heap my expectation with my husband, my kid, my people, and everyone around me. I get frustrated when things don’t go my way because they don’t get me.

What an idiot am I.

I realize that much of my frustrations lie on ME. The way I expect things to go my way, and don’t. The way I expect others to behave but don’t.

Actually, if I loosen my expectations, I could actually be a happier, chirpier person.

The struggle lies on the fact that I refuse to let go. I still hold on others to their promises. And I wish everyone would just follow whatever I say.

For example, what if my husband cheats on me?

The usual thing to do is to hanker down, get mad and scream at him. Slash his tires, poison his drink, and go bananas. All this because he did something he SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE.

Now, what if after I found out, I simply go home, pack up our things, and move our daughter elsewhere.

No shouting matches, no struggle, and no denial.

Just pack up and go.

When my husband comes back, all he would see is me packing up and taking away what he loves the most, our daughter.

No drama, just a matter of fact, “Sorry, you fucked up. I told you I would leave you if you did, and I will.”

Same result, smoother ride.

Wouldn’t that be better?

If we let go of our expectations, it empowers us to take the situation in our hands and just react by ourselves. We don’t have to push other people to follow what we want. We can just do what we want to do.

Don’t you agree?

Let’s remove “Should” from our vocabulary. I know it’s hard. It’s my personal struggle. But let’s try.

I think we’d be happier persons for it.

 

 

When you lose a baby via miscarriage

**WARNING: SOME TROUBLING, VERY DISTURBING BLOODY PHOTOS OF MY EXPERIENCE AHEAD***

I miscarried and had my raspa last Wednesday, August 15.

We lost the baby at 11 weeks old.

The heartbeat simply stopped.

We didn’t know until the 14th week when I started spotting. Apparently, our baby was already dead for 3 weeks.

We learned via ultrasound that our baby was dead on Sunday. My OB scheduled a D&C on Friday.

I “popped” on Wednesday late afternoon.

I felt a strong gushing of liquid. My pantyliner was so wet as if I urinated on it.

When I rushed to the bathroom, the panty liner was soaked.

I quickly placed a menstrual pad, but after 2 minutes, that got soaked too. My panty was so wet I couldn’t even wear the menstrual pad properly.

As I sat on the toilet bowl, blood and gunk started flowing from me, first in drips then in spurts.

Within 2 minutes, the bowl was full. Full of blood, and clot.

I flushed the toilet.

After I flushed the toilet, I still continued to bleed. Clots and all. Every time I would wipe, there was flesh blood.

I let the blood flow. I had to wait it out.

It was on this time I saw a grey matter on the bowl.

It was a fetus, our baby, looking like an alien but with hands and feet perfectly formed.

It lay on top of the bloody toilet paper.

We gingerly collected it on a small white bowl.

Yup, that’s our baby.

At 11 weeks old, it already looks like a baby. Anyone who says they’re not aborting a baby is WRONG.

I felt sad.

But I was not done bleeding yet.

I bled, and bled, and bled.

My husband bought the overnight pads, but they got full quickly too.

I went through the entire pack of overnight menstrual pads and I was still bleeding.

My OB asked me to go to the hospital.

Fortunately, I had some adult diapers at home. As soon as I wore them, the blood flow continued and I felt menstrual cramps and was excreting blood clots.

The nurse said it was my body excepting the thick lining of my uterus.

The body had them to prepare my body for the baby.

Now that the baby is toxic, my body is cleaning itself of all remnants of it.

As soon as I arrived in the hospital, I couldn’t stand.

I felt the heavy diaper and it was overflowing. Blood was dripping down my leg to my slippers.

Fortunately, the guard has a wheelchair and wheeled me to the delivery room.

I cleaned myself when I arrived. The adult diaper was full.

I changed to a new one.

I quickly went through three adult diapers.

By this time, I had already lost 2 kilos of blood and funk.

They lay me on the gurney where they put a speculum inside me.

They removed even more gunk from me, all bloody and clotty.

It was very discomforting and unpleasant.

My OB said the abortion would severely hurt, but my body didn’t let me feel pain. Just a lot of discomfort, especially since I couldn’t move anywhere because I was free flowing blood.

Whenever I would stand, I would bleed some more.

At 10pm, 3.5 hours after I first popped, my blood pressure dangerously dropped.

I started to cough, feel absolutely weak. I began to have chills all over my body and sweat bullets.

I think I heard the doctor say my BP was 20 over 40.

I felt really weak, my breathing long and labored.

The nurses panicked.

Up until this time, I was fine. Still joking. But when this suddenly happened, I was so weak and tired and couldn’t really move.

This was the time I felt that maybe this was the feeling patients had before they died.

Oooooh, so this is how it feels…

I never felt like this before.

By this time, I have lost 3 kilos of blood.

They gave me an IV and watched me stabilized. I had 4–5 nurses surrounding me.

My OB arrived upon my stabilization.

Despite me already excreting most of my body wastes, there was still some left since I was already at 14 weeks.

She scheduled a D&C at 12 midnight, 8 hours after my last meal at 4pm.

Apparently, you need to fast for 8 hours before a D&C.

They wheeled me in the cold delivery room at 12 midnight.

They gave me a spinal anesthetic to remove the pain.

They sedated me.

When I woke up, I was still in the operating room but I was finished.

They have removed the last part of my pregnancy: my placenta. It was Grey in color and looked sick.

They wheeled me to the recovery room afterwards. I was monitored until I could move a bit of my legs at 2:30am.

I was admitted to the room at 4am.

I was monitored closely.

The next morning, I was bleeding sparingly. The bleeding has almost stopped.

I couldn’t feel my butt until the afternoon. Maybe the anesthesia was so strong but I thought I was wearing a thick plastic diaper even though I wasn’t.

I was discharged at 4:30am and forced to rest.

When I went to work the next day, I was very pale, had chills and was shaking. So I was sent home.

I am on bedrest today. It’s my second day after the D&C.

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I was only at 14 weeks when I had my abortion. Our fetus is as small as a little oyster.

It wasn’t my choice per se, but the body has to do its part.

Regardless on whether it’s your choice or not, it was a miserable, discomfiting and sad experience.

If your baby is bigger, I would expect more pain, more blood, and more discomfort.

It’s your body, and your choice of course.

But since we wanted to keep the baby, it was very sad when I was there at the delivery room’s recovery area, lying in preparation for my D&C, and just beside me are two mothers with their newly born babies recovering.

The irony wasn’t lost in me.

There I was, losing my baby. And there they were, just starting a new adventure.

The experience was interesting at best.

But I wouldn’t want anyone to lose 3 kilos of blood or more.

The body is not fit for an abortion.

It will always be a traumatic event.

It can be dangerous.

I chose to show our baby’s photo so you can see that what’s inside you is an actual human in process. It has five fingers and five toes at 11 weeks old.

I was lucky I didn’t have a choice on this abortion. My body chose to expel our baby when it was incompatible and unsuitable for birth.

The Lord has been so gracious we never had to make this decision.

But I can see how traumatic and difficult it may be for women who are still mulling over this choice.

So good luck. And may you make the right decision for you.

I survived my abortion.

It was like a birth. But it wasn’t. And it screws you up in many ways.

And I do hope I will never go through it again.

One of the Hardest Things to Do is to Do Nothing

My husband’s business is in a bit of financial constraints due to having too much expenses vs. lowered revenue plus operational inefficiency and some wastage.

The easiest thing to do is to loan his business money. If you have the money, why not? Anyway, loans are to be paid off, and if it helps lessen the financial pressure, then you help.

However, after loans have been piling up, my husband has resorted to having his credit card bills payable to 24 months at 1.99% interest per month. That’s a whopping 24% annual interest charge!

I knew about this problem last May. My husband tells me not to worry as he has everything under control.

The hardest thing to do is to do NOTHING.

And to trust that your husband really knows what he is doing, even though you do not agree with his ways and means.

It’s really difficult for me to do nothing though. People who know me know that when faced with a problem, my automatic response is to act on it and solve it.

With this issue however, the fastest band-aid to do is to just lend him even more money even if he still owes money. However, the logical part of me knows that lending him more money will sink his business more in debt, and I will just enable him in buying more inventory he probably won’t need, or to pay off people he shouldn’t really be paying.

So I watch in the sidelines and worry.

At the end of the day, the credit card his business uses is under his name, and personally he is liable for everything he buys. “Keeping a business afloat using loans is the Filipino way of doing business. It is the easy way out and is not the correct way,” my father in law said.

I know, dad… but what can I do?

My husband tells me to trust him. And that he has it under his control.

My inner gut tells me this way is not a way to build and grow a business. Personally, the business I am managing is super tight with money and has built up sufficient cash reserves in just 4 years. My husband’s business has been there for a decade and has yet to build up any cash reserves.

I try not to interfere but it is hard.

I know if I interfere, I can help. But to interfere is to emasculate and belittle my husband, who is the leader of our household.

But if I don’t help, there might be impending doom. And it’s crucial that my husband’s business survives, as a man finds his self-worth with what he does. A man who is unemployed and has let his people down is a defeated man, and such a man is not a good companion for the house.

BIG SIGH.

I am not asking for pity. But I share this with you to say that even if everything seems rosy and perfect, we have problems as well. Honestly, this problem is between my husband and I and is something that must be settled together.

Well, let’s wait and see how he will handle it. He said to trust him and I will. So I will wait to see how he will solve his problem.

As I’ve said, one of the hardest things to do is to do NOTHING.

How about you? Have you ever seen a potential trainwreck to happen and stop yourself from doing something about it? How do you feel about that?