What’s the best relationship advice you can give someone?

Reposted from my answer in Quora:

This advice has saved me from years of heartache: Always Mirror, Never Chase.

When I meet a guy, I always mirror his interest.

I wait for him to make the first move.

If he texts me, I don’t play hard to get. If I get a message, I give a decent reply.

There’s no playing games.

No waiting for hours before texting him back to show him I’m not desperate. No hee or haw when he asks me out on a date. If I am free, I say yes. Otherwise, it’s a no with a legit reason for saying no.

When guys know you’re honest, they appreciate that.

I don’t chase after a guy.

If he ghosts me after a date, it’s fine. I just shrug it off. When he texts me weeks later, I still reply. Until the time he ghosts me again, and then I stop replying.

This allows me to filter guys who are genuinely interested in me.

Guys who are interested keep on calling. Since they know I don’t play any games, they try to “get” me and block off my free time whenever they can. Apparently, my way of flirting is very refreshing so they keep coming back for more.

After a breakup, I don’t chase.

I used to chase and it was embarrassing. Not anymore.

After the breakup convo, I cry. In private. I go out with friends and keep my social media status calm and normal. Nobody knows how broken I am inside.

With the last guy I dated, I cried for four months.

He didn’t know. Nobody knew.

I was the sane girlfriend who didn’t go crazy after a breakup. Guys appreciate that. And I got to keep my dignity especially after I found out he had a third party on the side.

Keep it classy!

The two advice allowed me to date graciously without too much fuss. I always kept my eyes open and never really refused any date. I never assumed and just focused on having a good time.

Happily married now so guess it worked! 

Regardless, I look at every single guy I dated as a happy experience, and I am so glad I can look back at my dating history and be proud that I never really did anything that I now regret.

Dear Cousin: A letter when everyone hates your GF

November 3, 2018

Dear Cousin,

You were surprised on why your relatives have judged your girlfriend so harshly after seeing her for the first time last week. You probably are asking on how they can be so critical of her without even knowing her, and how can they know better than you, you who have already been dating her for a few months.

I am writing to ask your forgiveness if you have been hurt. I know that by presenting her, you took a risk that your relatives may or may not like her. You still took that chance though, because you felt that she was already the right girl for you. In your mind, if she was good enough for you, then she should be good enough for everyone. Anyway, it was her, not us, who make you the happiest. Isn’t that what really matters?

Congrats cousin — you now join the ranks of many a star-crossed couples who face an opposing challenging world. Like Romeo and Juliet, any hardship will only make your love stronger, and your evil relatives will soon be proven wrong. It’s your life anyway, and as an adult, you can make your own damn decision. To be honest, I don’t even think you cared about whatever anyone thought, so long as she makes you happy. And to be quite frank, I think you’re right. The most important thing was that you like her, and to hell with everyone else.

Before you get even more upset, cool down a bit.

The initial disapproval is just a test. It can be heart breaking, but it doesn’t mean it’s the end. There is still hope that minds will be changed, and it all depends on how you react to such possibly devastating news. You had a right to be angry of course. As I’ve said, it’s not our business to meddle in your love life. But I would rather look at it in a positive way, and use this experience to truly test whether or not she is the right girl for you.

Our relatives was against Husband too when I first introduced them. They thought he was plain rude, a womanizer, and an irresponsible son who have constantly made bad judgments throughout his youth. The fact that he was annulled at a young age didn’t make matters worse. He would say the wrong things all the time, and offend everyone. We couldn’t even finish our pre-engagement counselling with Uncle Eee and Auntie Dee as they couldn’t believe that he was a true Christian. He had anger and alcohol issues. My brother felt he was not good enough as a man for me. My brother even slammed his hand on the wall after I told him to back off. Auntie Bee implored my mom to meet Husband’s first wife, and it was through this arrangement that I met See. It was initially awkward, but I am glad I met her. It put a lot of their concerns to rest.

Relatives do this because they love us. Sure, they worry because whoever we pick will taint our bloodline, but I also do believe from the bottom of my heart that they criticize so that we will as well. When we’re in love, we still wear rose-colored glasses and throw our cautions into the wind. That’s how infatuation work, and it can be a dangerous thing. It blinds us to our partner’s weaknesses and make bad character traits look like cute quirks. We forgive our partner’s dangerous habits easily and say they don’t matter, and that they will change. That it’s okay if our partner argues with us in a destructive and disrespectful manner, or if our partner’s family is crazy and dysfunctional. Anyway, we are marrying HER and not them, so these things doesn’t matter.

Oh please, let’s not delude ourselves.

If you are irritated with her, these things will irritate you even more through time. If she gets angry easily, she will be hot tempered once you get married. If she keeps on complaining about her life, she will also complain about you, and that’s unhealthy. These things will never go away because they already make who she is. If you don’t like her family, remember that they brought her up and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. If they’re dysfunctional, she’s cuckoo too but you just can’t see it.

That’s why we date.

The main goal of dating is to find out whether the (wo)man we love is truly the right person for us. Through the time we spend together, we see if they can make us truly happy beyond the dating stage, and whether they will make good partners, spouses, and mothers/fathers.

You say that she is already everything you need and want in a woman. Okay, prove it. Show us that your love is strong and unwavering. That she makes you a better person, and that life is much better with her around. That she will be very loving and caring towards you, and will not fight with you or ask you to isolate yourselves from your family and friends. The right woman should bring you closer to your family despite initial misunderstandings, not turn you against each other.

It takes humility and maturity to accept harsh criticism, ponder upon them, and to see whether it is something to be concerned about. It takes wisdom to respect the views of elders, even when we don’t agree with it. It is not bad to ask, “Why don’t they like her?” instead of attacking defensively and saying, “Who do you think you are to not like her? You don’t even know her.”

Honestly speaking cousin, it’s your life. And it’s not really anyone’s business to comment on who you choose to come into your life. As you’re now working and have your own income, your relatives have nothing that you want and they can all go to hell for all you care.

But before you make angry snap judgment, take a moment to really ask yourself why your girlfriend isn’t liked? What was it about her that everyone saw that they felt made her not a good match for you? Why did they think that by choosing her, you would be less happier in the future than if you choose someone else? Was it something she wore, something she said, or the way they acted that revealed to them something they felt would not be good for you in the long run? The assumption is that your relatives loved and cared for you. So what was it that they were warning you against? And how can they have seen this in just one meeting?

In Chinese, there’s a word, “看人” or “Kwa lang.” This is a skill that’s honed by meeting different types of people and knowing their stories. My dad was allegedly very good at this. Through just one meeting, he can already make a snap judgment about a person, and it was almost always correct. This uncanny ability was able to enrich him as he can decide very quickly whether this was a person who you could do business with, or who will fool you. I was afraid of this skill, as he oftentimes had an opposing view about people I was friends with. And it bothered me that in time, he was oftentimes proven right in his judgment.

What was it that everyone saw in her that made them feel that she was not the right person for me? Why would they say that while it’s my choice, I might end up unhappier if I ended up with her? What did they see that I cannot?

I think these are good questions to ask. I had asked the same questions when I dated Husband. To be fair, our relatives were correct in their assessment: There were many reasons on why Husband was not the right person for me, and that I deserved better. To be fair, he got rid of the drinking (alcohol) before we got married, so that was one burden off my back. He’s also changed so much since we married. He’s also proven that he’s a terrific father after Baby came along.

But I think that it was good we went through this exercise before we got married. Left by ourselves and without elderly counsel, I don’t think our marriage would have been stronger. Even Husband had to change before he married me, and it was because I demanded that he should.

Though it was an uncomfortable time for everyone, I am still glad that our relatives criticized him then, he still kept an open mind with that. He didn’t blacklist or hate them, nor wasn’t he angry at them for saying such mean things about him. Instead, he understood and tried to prove everyone wrong. What should have destroyed us just made us stronger. What he is right now is due to the trials we went through as a couple. If he wasn’t a good partner then, he was a good partner now because of our relatives’ feedback. And I am very thankful and blessed as a result.

At the end of the day, it’s your life.

You get to decide who you allow inside your life, and who to remove from your life. And before you make any snap decisions on removing your relatives from yours just because they don’t like the girl you’re dating, ask yourself if it’s just your relatives who don’t like her. Does your parents like her, like really like her? Does your friends who have known you for decades like her, as in really like her? Is she like your mother, Auntie Edwina? Will she make a good wife, mother and life partner?

Now, ask yourself WHY.

Reflection is a gift that keeps on giving.

Date her if you must.

Marry her too if you think she’s the best girl for you now and forever.

But choosing the (wo)man you will marry is the most important decision any person has to make in their lives. Therein that one decision lays your happiness, your luck, your future, and your children’s future.

If you choose her, still invite us to the engagement and wedding. Blood runs thicker than water, and it’s laughable and silly if you discard your relatives just because of a woman.

But if you can, pray. Think very carefully. Ask yourself why. Ask other people why. Therein lies the answer. Then decide accordingly.

Good luck, cousin. This is your first time to be in love, and hopefully, it won’t be your last. May you make the right decision for yourself, and may she make you very happy if you do choose her. We wish you only the best in whatever life has to offer.

Big hugs,

Cousin Bonita

How I Met my Husband

We met via e-Harmony.

Yes, our love story is a testimony that online dating works, and works beautifully.

I was single, 33 years old, and fresh out of a breakup from a 2.5 year old relationship that blindsided me.

He was 36, a notorious playboy over the last decade, and has been searching fruitlessly for love that would his parents would approve.

I found a sponsored article that asked whether someone was The One for you. The article had many points that provided some clarity on my brother’s relationship problems, and alongside this article was a “REGISTER FOR FREE” ad for e-Harmony.

Thinking I had nothing to lose, I signed up for the experience.

What’s great about the site was that it was anonymous, and it asked you to answer a personality test that allowed the system to match you to someone that fits your personality.

According to eHarmony, “eharmony is the first service within the online dating industry to use a scientific approach to matching highly compatible singles. eharmony’s matching is based on using its 29 DIMENSIONS® model to match couples based on features of compatibility found in thousands of successful relationships.”

Unlike other sites, it only showed your profile to your matches. You can state your preference on the type of person you liked. It was nice that the only thing others can see was my name.

I cited I wanted someone who was tall, was a Christian, Chinese and from Hongkong, Philippines or Singapore. I figured it was an interesting concept and was worth a try.

Little did I know, my future husband was signing up as well.

His sister was able to successfully find love online as well, so he thought he’d want to give it a try.

My future husband wanted someone who was a Christian, a non-smoker, Chinese and lived 20 kilometers from his house.

I was okay with meeting men from all over as I lived in Hong Kong, Singapore, Taiwan and the United Kingdom.

Given his location preference, I was one of his two matches from the site.

I on the other hand had around 90+ eligible men to choose from! Wohoo!

The less picky you are, the more matches you will have!

As I was the better looking one out of his only two matches, my now husband sent me a nudge and requested to see my photo:

eHarmony sent the notice straight to my mailbox. It was August 2012.

What initially attracted me was his honesty.

Husband was very honest, very direct, and oftentimes, tactless. He doesn’t really lie and would tell the truth if you ask for it. There is no sugar coating with him. Black is black and if politeness indicates that he is to say white, he would still say it is black.

His unfiltered mess both attracts and repels depending on who you talk to, and yet, I found it quite refreshing.

From the get go, he was open about his first failed marriage, and that the annulment was clean and there was no way they were getting back together. He has no bad words about his ex-wife, only citing they remained friends and in civil terms.

We exchanged tons of messages, never really talking about anything confidential but open about educational and family background, our interests, and what we do.

We had common friends but didn’t know it yet.

The only thing I knew was that this guy was different, quite intelligent, and very interesting.

I looked forward to reading his emails and learning more about him.

From the initial emails, I learned where he went to school (it was my mother’s school), graduated with a degree in Engineering in one of Manila’s better schools, and his family went to a Christian church.

In truth, I think that maybe it is God’s plan to let us meet each other this way.

If I met my husband in a car show, I would have found him too strong, too confident and too in-your-face. As we only had words to rely on, we got to know each other better from a non-physical standpoint.

When my husband said he liked me for my brains, it was because of weeks of emailing each other back and forth.

Here was the catch —- to exchange messages, each of us had to pay USD 63.00 for a 3-month subscription.

Intrigued, we both gladly paid the USD 63.00 from each of our sides. This is how eHarmony makes money, ladies and gentlemen.

But to my husband, “It was the best thing my USD 63.00 has ever purchased in my life.”

THE FIRST DATES

After a month of emailing and then texting, we finally met up.

Our first date was in this casual steak place in Pasig and we talked for hours. Unlike my dates with other men when I felt like an amused observer, time with my now husband went by quite fast.

I don’t really know what we talked about really, but most likely it’s about our college days and my times abroad, and for him working for the family business and his first marriage.

On our second date, I met his sister and her husband, both expats from Shanghai. At that time, coincidentally, they came by in Manila for a visit.

In between dates, we texted and talked to each other on the phone.

I enjoyed talking to him.

We had the same wavelength and can discuss multiple topics from American gossip, to politics, to car shows to wall climbing and keeping fit.

In November 2012, we became a couple. On June 2014, we got married, and have been happily married ever since.

We have a daughter who is almost 3 who is the light of our lives.

Since then, I have been a fierce endorser of online dating.

We both think it’s an incredible discovery, and it’s the best USD 63.00 we’ve ever spent.

Who knew we would meet each other via an American dating app? Who knew that while we had mutual friends, it was this app that brought us together.

So if you’re single and looking for love, never lose hope.

Try eHarmony.

We did, and we’re so very glad that we did. 🙂

Stories of Manila: The Rascal

Our driver has a problem.

He cannot stop cheating on his wife, and because he was so reckless in doing it, he has been caught a handful of times.

This time around, he was once again, kicked out of his house by his irate wife.

“I was more careful this time though,” he told my husband. “This time, I used protection. So that I won’t have the same problem anymore.”

Just last year, our driver got a 14-year old teenager pregnant. The girl was the younger sister of one of our office staff. Up until today, he denies that the baby is his.

The teenager found another older man who was willing to have someone a third of his age, with a baby to raise, as an insta-family. In a way, that problem ended relatively well. The underaged teenager found a better sugar daddy who was willing to raise her child as his own, releasing our driver from that financial responsibility.

The baby looks like our driver.

Our driver has two babies within the same time period, as the baby was conceived when his own wife was pregnant. It was indeed a mess.

We thought he changed. He didn’t.

After his wife forgave him after he begged for mercy, he returned to a seemingly happy home. When my husband gave him a phone and a line for business purposes, our driver also used the line to look for other girls on the internet.

The girl he managed to look for was an ex, who is mother to two kids. She was happy to have sex with him despite him being married. He probably fed her with lies.

We thought he changed. He didn’t.

“If a man is unhappy in his home,” my husband said. “Then he will eventually cheat.”

I think this is a cop-ass way to excuse irresponsible behavior.

Cheating is a choice.

And our driver continues to make it. He will probably continue to make the same senseless choices until the day he died.

As his employer, I do not know what to do. In a way, his family is his business. And if he wants to sleep with many women despite having a wife and kids, that’s still his business.

But at the same time, I feel that his character and integrity are a big question mark.

He chose his wife.

Got her pregnant.

Started a family with her.

It is wrong to have an affair and abandon your family.

He has two kids, a boy and a girl. Through his choices, he will destroy his family.

The story of the Rascal is very common in the Philippines. 

Actor and politician Ramon Revilla Sr. has 72 kids. 

When God said, “Go forth and multiply,” Revilla Sr. took the instruction to heart.

The man with many chicks are admired in the Philippines.

To cheat on your wife and have multiple mistress are admirable traits by men in the Philippines. It means you are handsome and very attractive.

It also means you’re a selfish rascal who can’t seem to keep your dong in your pants.

Sigh – life in the Philippines indeed.

It is more fun in the Philippines.

Why You Have to Love Yourself

There’s a saying that before everyone else can love you, you have to love yourself FIRST.

That’s the problem with sayings, you never fully understand them when you hear them at first. It’s like someone telling you some feel good bullsh*t and you just nod your head and you go on your day.

I have a daughter and I want her to have the best life she can have. And as I reflect on my own life, I can to a strong realization: Actually, I’ve always had guys I’ve dated follow me to do my biding.

Every guy I dated did my laundry.

One guy even picked my dirty clothes from my place, launder it, hang it, fold it and deliver it back.

He stuck around despite the fact he was my personal labandera.

One guy dated me for 2.5 years despite the fact that he was a super light sleeper and I was sadly the snorer.

He still stuck around. No wonder he was so exhausted all the time!

My husband still married me despite my crazy episodes. There we were in beautiful Santorini and I was bawling my eyes out and complaining to a random woman just because he wouldn’t want to accompany his wife to see the sunset.

We did see the sunset eventually. It was fine.

For every woman I know who walks on eggshells around their significant others, there was me who would tell her husband off if he’s being a complete ass who keeps on shouting at his wife.

Just the other day, I called him out because he refused to help out unless I ask him using the correct terms. He had a problem on how I phrases the question,

It eventually ended in an argument where I felt he was criticizing the question because he was too lazy at that time to even bother helping. I didn’t talk to him for an hour or too.

For everything that I dare do with my husband — like to drag him seeing musicals that I love even if he cares nothing for them — there is an equivalent woman who shuts up and meekly follows her husband even to the detriment of her needs and wants.

My heart breaks when I see this.

Women beaten.

Women cheated on.

Women who force themselves to be silent.

Women who demur their needs over someone else.

Women who are afraid of their bad tempered husbands.

Ladies, WHY ARE YOU AFRAID?

It boggles my mind when abused women do not leave because they are afraid of losing their men, their very source of fear.

I don’t understand why a woman will accept another person’s bad treatment, up to the point of being depressed themselves, just because they love him.

Ladies, that isn’t love.

Guys who love you don’t beat you up.

They don’t cheat at you because they know they will lose you when they do.

They don’t scream at you to submit and control your every move just because they assume you are cheating elsewhere.

Guys who love you shouldn’t scare you to death.

As I scan through my Facebook page, I saw happy photos. They were of my weird friends. The crazy ones who always followed their own beats and danced at the party as if no one was watching.

They were different — The way they talked, walked and ran their lives.

These weird friends had a great time just being themselves and didn’t give a shit on what anyone thought.

I honestly thought they would end up being single the rest of their lives.

Like seriously, who would want them?

More personally, who would want me?

The woman who spoke her mind all the time even if it was inappropriate.

The woman who snored.

The woman who placed her work above family.

The woman who hated doing domestic work and would let her laundry pile up for months.

The woman who refused to be wrong and will argue to you to death until proven right.

Everyone thought I would remain single.

Ironically, I ended up with someone who accepted all my thoughts and more.

Did I just get lucky?

Did I win the lottery?

Not really.

I think because I didn’t care too much of what other people think, by time and natural selection, I unconsciously filtered out those guys who wouldn’t like me until I found the guys who accepted and adored me and my quirks.

We are so afraid to lose the men in our lives that we hold onto them even if they make us unhappy.

Since I wasn’t too afraid to lose them, I ended up with guys who followed me and allowed me to be me.

And since they already know who I am on the get go, the men in my life usually lets me be when I do crazy things most women cannot get away with.

And since I am just being me, I am a way happier and fulfilled person.

I don’t sacrifice myself, my principles or my being to please anyone. I live my life fully at my own terms.

Unlike other women, I was single for years at a time. Most guys who met me scoffed and went for the meeker sheep who followed and serviced them all the time.

I didn’t service guys too much. They can get their own water thanks very much.

I turned off the very guys who would have made me unhappy. Because being with them meant I had to sacrifice my being me to be aith them.

So I ended up alone, until I met guys who thought I was the greatest thing ever.

They were the guys I dated, and one of them stuck long enough for me to marry him.

Why don’t other people be themselves more?

Are you afraid people will not like or care for you if you don’t?

If your friends cannot accept that, then why are you friends with them still?

If your boyfriend/partner frowns upon it, do you think you can tolerate such partner for the rest of your lives?

If your family can’t deal with it, who says you have to be with them 24/7?

My point is, it is very liberating to be yourself. To march in your own drum.

Loving oneself = Having the courage to BE YOURSELF.

You can be yourself and still be loved.

If other people don’t, that’s their problem, not yours.

Why do you not start loving yourself today?

Comments appreciated. Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

The Danger of Discontentment

Our best sales staff decided to end her employment this April 2018. She was earning around php18,000-22,000 per month, an achievement especially since she was not a college graduate and has no special skills. She is only 26 years old.

We had an applicant applying for area supervisor. She has been employed in a reputable oil company but resigned after two years because she got tired of waiting for a promotion given her talents. She has been unemployed for 8 months and still looking.

My relative lives in a comfortable home in China. She has a stable job in an esteemed company and was recently promoted despite having flexible hours to make time for her family. However, she and her husband decided they would rather uproot themselves from China, sell their house, move to the UK and rebuild their lives again from scratch trying to sell yoghurt to the British.

A man has a happy family. He has four kids with his beautiful wife, and yet, risked it all for a more exciting girlfriend who has baggage of her own. He is now endangering his marriage in his chase for a more exciting affair. Of course, his affair is affecting his work life too.

I was 28 years old and was working with one of the best investment banks in the world. I was earning good money and loved my work. My co-workers adored me as well and I was their go-to person for my apartment. Then, for some reason, I felt discontent and quit on top of my game to pursue my MBA. I still count it as one of the stupidest decisions I’ve ever made.

Above are five different stories with something in common — they are all of people who already have a good thing going, got bored, and somehow decided to f*ck it up to chase for something more exciting and most likely stupid.

The heart is a trickster. It fools us into thinking that this is what God wants us to do. That this is our calling. That we really had to do this.

Honestly, I could’ve done without the MBA. But I was incredibly stubborn and insisted that I couldn’t do without. And I ended up poorer and sadder for it. A stupid decision is really a stupid decision no matter how hard you turn it.

The problem is, once we get comfortable with something, we feel that we deserve better. That maybe, we are happier and better off elsewhere.

This my friends is what I call false entitlement.

So even though we have a good thing going on, we still quit the good thing in search for something else.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have to guard our hearts from feelings of discontentment. Sometimes, there’s really nothing wrong about what we have or what we are doing. It’s just us that’s discontent, because we feel that the grass is greener on the other side.

My friends, before you quit, check and triple check to see if what you’re replacing your old crap for is really good and worth the switch. Because often times, after you’ve quit your job / sold your house and uprooted your life / dumped your family for your girlfriend, you finally realize that everything’s been just a farce and you’ve been fooled, replacing your millions with mere pennies.

Get rid of your heart of discontent. Be thankful with what you have. Sometimes, it really is the best you will ever get.

Happy Labor Day everyone!

6 Reasons Why You’re Still Single at 40

Yesterday, I asked the question, “Why would a beautiful 40-year old woman still be SINGLE?”

I’ve wondered this question and asked several friends what they thought. We mulled over whether it was the guys’ fault or the girl’s fault that she’s still single. At the end of the day, the consensus is clear: If she is beautiful and sexy, and there’s nothing wrong with her physically, then it’s the woman’s fault that she’s single.

Not the men’s.

WOAH!

Mindblowing!

Here are 6 Reasons why it’s the woman’s fault if she is still single at 40, and she wants to get married before then:

1) Some superficiality was in play.

Some nice guy actually came a calling.

But she rejected him because he is short, boxy and dark-skinned.

The guy was ready for marriage and for a serious relationship. He was already in his 40s, and was keen to start a family. There’s no baggage except for the fact that he was single since he just came off from two long-term, long-distance relationships that didn’t work out.

It doesn’t matter: She still rejected him.

Because he’s not her type.

Sometimes, we can’t help ourselves. If he’s not cute, we’d rather be single.

That’s why, she is still single.

2) Because they think dating apps are for losers.

I met a 30-plus year old woman who wanted to find love, and asked her why she didn’t try dating apps like OkCupid, Tinder, eHarmony and the likes.

“Oh, dating apps are for losers,” she huffed. “I’m not that desperate yet.”

My husband and I met via a dating app.

So apparently, we are losers.

That’s why she’s still single. Close-minded people who shut off avenues even before they try it end up with limited options and no boyfriends. They’re stuck in the pool they already wallowing in over the last two decades. Those who entered the pool later on would rather choose younger, prettier and equally willing to commit women.

My friend went into 10 blind dates per year, for two years, before marrying the man she married. That’s like 20+ blind dates from hell, and a whole lot of stories, before finding her happily ever after.

 

If you don’t try it out with a positive attitude, don’t cry if you’re still single. There is NOTHING wrong with dating apps, and if you’re willing to scratch out this option because of a few bad apples, then you’re losing out.

3) Because they are girlfriend material… NOT wife material.

The Internet are awash with posts such as:

Top 30 Signs That Your Girlfriend Is ‘Wife Material’

Apparently, a girlfriend is still different from a wife. They both start out the same way, but end out differently. While a wife can be girlfriend material, a woman who is just girlfriend material finds it hard to be a wife.

Reason being is, for some reason or the other, the guy shies away from proposing! He’s fine with just dating exclusively, and even moving in together, but when it comes to legalizing it, the guy balks and asks why things won’t remain the same.

I honestly think it’s because the woman in question is not wife material. Sure, she’s fun, adventurous and maybe the sex is good, but hey, she’s not really something you want to spend forever after with.

So the question is, what’s the difference between a girlfriend-slash-mistress material, and not a wife? Both are women and someone you’re intimate with. However, why is it that some women get married while others are stuck in dating limbo?

A wife material is someone who guys see as the following:

Not enough?

I asked a guy friend what’s the difference, to which he answered:

With a wife, you think of forever. On whether she is a good fit to your life. On whether she can be a great partner to you in an out of the home.

You wonder if your mom loves her or not, and how she will fit in your family dynamics. If your mom hates her, then she’s purely just fun and girlfriend material. It will be awkward if you married someone whom your family hates.

You also want someone who has her head straight and who isn’t promiscuous or a flirt. Someone who dresses conservatively and doesn’t look like she’s going to the beach or the bar on a daily basis. Sure, it’s nice to marry someone who’s sexy, but you don’t want someone who looks malandi. That’s just someone you’d love to f*ck, not someone you’d like to start a family with.

Lastly, you also think whether or not she’ll be a great mother to your future kids. You want someone who is smart, emotionally stable and can balance you… not a drama queen who’s irresponsible, stresses you out, and incredibly stupid. They say the kids get their brains from their mother, and you don’t want stupid children.

It’s easy to be like a mistress: You’re fun and sexy and probably great in bed. But it’s not as easy to be a wife — there are so many stakeholders that are in play: Both sides of the family, the community, and the kids.

Usually, unless the guy is really head over heels in love with you, he’d rather wait until all ducks are in a row before getting married.

4) Because you’re already over the hill, and they do want kids.

We had our chance when we were in our 20s, dating men one after another, trying to see who is a better fit for us. This continued on until we were in our 30s, when the pickings started to get thinner and thinner.

At 20s, all the guys from their 20s to 40s want to date you. When you’re in your late 30s, guys in their 20s see you as a MILF or cougar. Guys in their 30s want someone who is 20s and more fertile. Guys in their 40s come with baggage (and kids from their first marriage), or some psychological disorder.

What’s more, most men want a progeny. They want someone to carry their line. Many want a kid and a spare.

Case in point, when I first met my future father-in-law, he already criticized me for being old. I was just in my early 30s. At 32 years old in his humble opinion, I was no spring chicken, and was less likely to reproduce an heir.

He was wrong.

I did have a daughter. And yet, it’s not the 4 or 5 kids he envisioned to carry the line. But he is not unusual: Most guys in Asia do want kids. And they are more likely to have children if the woman is younger.

5) Because they are full of negativity.

I know women who complain about the dating pool, “There are so many losers in (Insert place here)! There are no good single guys out here! Only the asshole ones and those who are gay!” 

Another woman who has a successful career at Goldman Sachs moan about the lack of good guys working there. After I congratulated her about working in one of the best investment banks in the world, she quickly retorted, “What do you mean? Here at Goldman Sachs, there’s NO GOLD, NO MAN, AND NO SEX!”

Sometimes, it’s the woman who is the problem. If guys keep on breaking up with you, then you’re not the problem.

Not the men.

6) Because they do not face the reality: That men are a limited resource and sometimes, you just have to make a choice.

My mom told me a story of the building with many floors. Each floor has selections of men to choose from. If you choose someone from that floor, you can no longer go up another floor. You would have to marry that person and stay with that person ever after. However, if you go up one floor, you can no longer go down the previous floor.

The woman went to the first floor and looked at the selection. These were the regular guys they met in school. They were nice, dorky and boring. They were good selections, but she still went up a floor because she wanted to see what the other floor had to offer.

The second floor were those she met in her first job. Everyone was inexperienced, excited and fun. They had limited money but had a lot of time socializing with each other. There were a lot of people on this floor. But since many of them were still wide-eyed and poor, she still went up another floor.

The third floor have less people than the second, but still had enough. These were people who now have 5 years of work experience under their belt. Some were now married to their college sweethearts but were looking for an affair, while others were single but are still in debt having taken their first mortgage on a home. The people on this floor were not yet rich and were still struggling financially, so the woman still went up one more floor.

The woman couldn’t find anyone from floors four to seven. The guys were flawed in their own way. They weren’t good, rich, or cute enough. Those who were cute were assholes, and those who were good were not cute.

So she continued to go up a floor, thinking that maybe, she will find someone better, because everytime she goes up a floor, she usually finds a guy who is.

As she went up the eighth floor, she was surprised. There was nobody on the eighth floor. The room was empty.

And so she cried.

DO NOT BE THIS WOMAN!

In Summary

We often blame the world for our being single. And yet, while we blame others, we wonder how many other women who are less prettier, less sexier and dumber than us keep on getting married before us?

“There is nothing special about her,” we would huff. “Why did she get married earlier than me?”

“Maybe it’s because she settled, or have lower standards?”

“Maybe the guy is okay with someone dumber, and just feels pressure to get married?”

“Maybe because they’ve been dating so long, and heck, it’s time.”

The questions mask the real issue here — Why them and not me?

And I think there lies the problem: We are so quick to blame others but never see our hand on our own mistakes. When we see others who have better luck than we do, we fail to see that it’s actually not luck as to why they are in situations they are in now.

Unless we look deeply in the mirror in front of us, we cannot solve the problems that face us.

It is us who is the problem.

Not the mirror. Not Snow White. Not the kingdom.

And unless we face this reality, we will forever be single, and will watch the world pass us by. And while there is nothing wrong with being single, I hope that it is because of choice that we are. If so, wear singlehood with pride.

But if you are single at 40, and want to get married, then you have to wake up and smell the roses.

Open your eyes.

Stop being a b*tch.

Make an effort.

Start trying out dating apps.

Go out on blind dates.

Promote the fact that you are single and looking.

Give that nice guy a chance.

Stop complaining and start doing.

Be a positive ball of energy.

And for goodness sakes, CHOOSE SOMEONE.

How about you? Do you agree or not? Comments and thoughts appreciated.

 

 

Question: Should I marry someone even though I feel there might be somebody better out there for me?

I dated a guy who was great on paper for 2.5 years. He was smart, had a great job, was very responsible, and said he will love and take care of me for the rest of his life.He was also quite boring.

Or I think I was just bored with him.

Maybe it was his low energy, or his personality, but when we were together, time seemed to drag on and I didn’t really look forward to seeing him every time we met.

When we talked, we discussed which restaurants we would try next or which movie should we watched. We updated each other on our lives and our friend’s and we couldn’t go deeper beyond talking about what happened to whom and why.

I guess he felt the same way because he broke up with me when he met someone else with a more similar wavelength to his. I was admittedly crushed and felt that I may have lost my chance for marriage to a nice guy, and maybe this was the best I could ever get.

Boy, was I wrong!

I met my now husband online dating, and from the time we met, our conversation simply FLOWED. Minutes turned into hours and we were exchanging ideas, not information. We talked about movies and how it related to us. We hung out and yet felt a deep sense of comfort as if we’re at home.

Sure, we had our disagreeements. But it sure wasn’t boring. I looked forward to being with him and he does me. And since we’ve gone through our fair share of boring relationships, we tied the knot after a year of dating because we believe we couldn’t find anyone better for us and if we don’t get married, we’d regret it for the rest of our lives.

We spent our wedding night simply thanking God for leading us to each other. That’s how lucky we felt to have found each other.

So to answer your question, I’d strongly suggest for you to you wait.

Knowing what I know now, I would have chosen to be single than to spend the rest of my life with a man who I married so that I’d be a Mrs. I know I only married him to settle because I’m in a hurry, and will always be in the lookout for somebody better. I don’t think that would be fair to the poor shmuck, and honestly, it wouldn’t be fair for me either. Life is too short to be with someone who bores you out of your wits.

I’m glad I waited.

Or was forced to wait.

The love I have now is worth far more than any of my previous relationships. And I feel I’m the luckiest girl ever to have married my husband. Fortunately, he also feels the same way.

Good luck in finding that right person who’d let you feel the same.

How My Friend Got Away with Infidelity

My married friend learned that her husband was flirting with other women behind her back. Given that he needs to be based in the Southern area and their child studies here in Manila, they have spent many days apart per month despite flying back and forth to see each other.

The last time my friend caught her husband flirting, it was on Facebook with him liking and messaging sexy car show models.

Note: Image taken from the Internet to illustrate just how tempting car show models can be. Doesn’t mean friend’s husband is flirting with any of them.

It went unnoticed to the point that the husband was already having friendly chats with the model. Then he was caught.

After some groveling and a hesitant promise not to message these models on Facebook again, he’s back at it, this time befriending a mall cashier.

The worst part is that the friendship so to speak has been going on over the last 1.5 years. My friend’s husband has met this cashier at least once as admitted in their text conversation, and goodness knows what happened next, especially since they have continued their flirtatious relationship afterwards.

“I don’t think anything happened when they met,” my friend cried as she shared with me this story. “Right?”

I am not naive.

I will not delude myself into thinking that after months of build-up, nothing happened. Especially since the guy has gone on to invite the woman into his family apartment and stay in his room. But heck, why pour salt into the festering wound?

My friend was beyond herself, and her normal prim and proper demeanor was broken when she started to cry.

“I don’t know why he’s doing this again after promising that he will stop,” she moaned. “It is unbecoming for him to go out and date the cashier especially since he and his family are trying their best to keep a good reputation in the community. Why throw it away because of a piece of trash?”

To be honest, I don’t think the man was thinking of his family or his reputation when he eyed the cashier.

Put it this way, guys are very simple: He came, he saw and then he conquered. To hell with everything else. So his reaction was a very primal, carnal thing.

So the wife had her suspicions. Given the wife’s intuition is very strong, she woke up one day from a bad dream and looked over her husband’s phone.

Her blood ran cold —- She saw a message pop up just as soon as she looked. It was from another woman, and the text was a text that only a girlfriend would send. Something similar to this…

Dismayed, my friend accessed her husband’s emails, Facebook chats and phone messages. To her dismay, she saw that they’ve been messaging for over a year!

She carefully screenshot all the incriminating messages to confront him later on. Then she took a Valium and cried herself to sleep.

One week later, their love was strengthened and they are back together again.

Now a lot of you would ask wWahy. Given that the husband was already caught cheating, how the hell did he get away with it? Here is what he did:

1. Upon finding out that he was caught —- the maid told him how distraught the missus was — the husband kept calm, deleted all the incriminating messages, and waited for the wife to confront him.

There’s no point to keep any messages as further evidence. Delete every message you think your wife will frown upon.

2. When your wife confronts you, first deny everything. Do this so that she will show you what type of evidence she has on hand.

Wait for your wife to confront you. She will, you know? And she will ask you all the questions you don’t want to answer but should.

She needs an answer so give her some, but not all.

Answer questions to the goal of finding out what evidences she knows about, and which instances she does not know about. That way, you will know what exactly are the charges against you.

3. When you find out which evidences she has on hand, only begrudgingly confirm those she has evidence of. DENY EVERYTHING ELSE.

“Yes, we have been talking on the phone. Yes, I know it was wrong and I am very very sorry.”

“Yes, even when we met, swearing on the life of our child, NOTHING HAPPENED. We didn’t sleep together. All we did was meet, and that was it.”

“No, I didn’t give her any gifts. I actually was just joking with her, but to be honest, no gifts were exchanged.”

4. Admit you have a sex/porn addiction and admit that you need her to help you overcome it.

Every woman wants to “save” a man. Let your wife “save” you from your sins. Even offer to go to church to show sincerity to change.

5. Promise her that while you made a mistake, you realize just how important she and you family are to you, and that while you screwed up now, you will not do it again.

6. Check out if there’s any crack in her armor. When she starts to laugh or let you touch her, then you’re almost scott free.

When after confronting her, she allows you to touch and make love to her, all is forgiven. You have now escaped with nary a scratch.

7. Do not make the same idiotic mistake of getting caught. Either sincerely change to be a better man, or if you cannot, be better in hiding your affairs next time.

Love makes us idiots.

My friend did not want to admit that her husband was a cheater. As I’ve said, this is not the first time he’s cheated.

However, for the sake of the family, everything is swept under the rug. And all is forgiven.

It only took a few hours in an afternoon for the husband to make amends.

Now, do you think he’s really changed and stop cheating, or did he just try to save his sorry ass from his angry wife?

I really hope that it’s the former. Unfortunately, I think it is the latter.

What do you think?

 

 

 

Na-Basted!

My friend J, who I have talked about in this post, “When a man chase after a woman and he’s not that cute,” has been busted by his potential lady love.

Long story short, the woman said she only wanted to be friends.

Of course, the man was heartbroken.

At 42 years old, he wanted to settle down and start a family stat. He thought that this beautiful, sexy and smart woman was his last hope.

Unfortunately, the woman just didn’t think he was her type.

I guess, women are picky when it comes to looks. The “I don’t look cute but I can love and take care of you forever” spiel did NOT work on her.

Hence, friend was depressed.

He changed his Facebook profile and cover photos, resigned from his post, and stayed at home and cried.

Loss is a powerful feeling.

To be honest, J did not really know my friend.

If he knew my friend, he can easily see just how incompatible they were.

She was indecisive and flighty.  He wanted to settle down.

She was still busy dating around and enjoying the company of men. He was already tired of going from one shallow relationship to the next and wants to start a family ASAP.

She was unsure of her future and is thinking of switching jobs for better job security. She lives in Singapore but is working with a work visa. He is happy where he is here in the Philippines.

And yet, he cried for her.

Because loss is a very powerful feeling.

No matter how incompatible we are, we react violently when that something gets removed from us.

It’s the same when I broke up with my last boyfriend. In fairness, I didn’t love or appreciate him as much when we were together. I didn’t treat him as good as I should if I truly valued him.

However, when he broke up with me, it was as if my world shattered. I didn’t know what to do. And I wanted him back, even though consciously, I knew we were not meant to be.

Funny how our heart does one thing, even though it knows it’s not the best thing for us.

Same with my friend.

He wanted her even though they really weren’t meant to be. If they were, she would have been more accepting of his love declarations.

That’s why, this is a lesson for us: Feelings are not the best indicators on whether we are a good fit for another person. Feelings can still fool us. In the end, we have to see through time and actions if the person is a good fit.

How about you? Have you lost something and made a big deal from it even though you know it’s not the right decision for you?

Have a great weekend!